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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846928">can't forget that we're golden (can't forget where i'm going)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yooshia/pseuds/yooshia'>yooshia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Amnesia, Complicated Relationships, Friends to Lovers, Hwang Hyunjin &amp; Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Language, Original Character(s), Secret Relationship, Self-Discovery, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis, Soft Seo Changbin, Underage Drinking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:36:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yooshia/pseuds/yooshia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Changbin can't remember at all how he's supposed to act, but he thinks it probably doesn't involve making friends with the eccentric boy-next-door and letting his best friend put his hand down his pants.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hwang Hyunjin &amp; Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Changbin wakes up the first time After, there's a man leaning against the wall of the hospital room (he's in a hospital room, but he doesn't know why. He knows he's himself, except he doesn't know who that is. His throat feels raw, but everything else seems fine.), whistling softly to himself. "Changbin?" he says, voice breaking on the 'a,' eyes watering immediately.</p><p>Changbin blinks and says, "I don't—"</p><p>A nurse comes in and says, "You took quite a roughing up, young man."</p><p>The man against the wall makes a noise like he's being strangled and ducks out of the room. "I'm sorry, I don't—what's—things are…" Changbin croaks.</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably a bit boggled, aren't you? I'm sure you want some time with your granddad. How's your head feeling?"</p><p>"My granddad? I—I'm sorry, just," Changbin (he guesses it's his name—it's what people are calling him. Something's wrong, right? He should know his name without people having to tell him) says.</p><p>The nurse cocks her head and glances down at his chart. Her brow furrows for a moment and she bites her lower lip. "Hon," she says, "can you tell me why you're here?"</p><p>"I'm, um, hurt presumably. Or—I mean, right?"</p><p>Her mouth goes slack, "Changbin, can you tell me your birthday?"</p><p>"Sure," he says, "Sure, I—" but he can't. He has a birthday, he knows, but he doesn't know when it is. He tries to sit up but the nurse presses him back down gently. "Wait," he says, "what happened? Why—" he struggles a little, but she won't let him up, and then he can't breathe because he's trying to remember things he should know, like his last name and his favorite band and what grade he's in at school, but he can't. He can't.</p><p>"Shh," the nurse is saying, "Shh." And then she's messing with his IV and he's catching one last view of the man who left the room—he's rushing in, face red and eyes wide, mouth caught open like he's yelling, like he's angry. But Changbin's eyelids flutter and then fall shut.</p><p>***</p><p>The second time he wakes up After, the man is sleeping in a chair next to Changbin's bed. There's an index card in his hand that says, <em> You are Seo Changbin. You're turning twenty in four days. You live with me, your grandpa. You're getting your degree at Hanyang University. You were in a fight, and you hit your head, but you're okay now. </em></p><p>Changbin wants to debate the validity of that last clause, because he must not be okay if he needs a card to remind him of his own last name. At least it explains why he can't remember anything.</p><p>When he's ready to talk, he clears his throat, which aches, and watches the man's eyes shoot open. "Changbin?" he says.</p><p>"Right," Changbin says, "Um, so, grandpa?" He feels his expression twisting uncomfortably, but he can't do anything to stop it.</p><p>The man's face falls and he rubs a hand over his eyes tiredly. "You can call me Jong-su if it's easier on you."</p><p>"No, I—" Changbin shifts awkwardly, wondering if he'd normally reach out and squeeze Mac's hand or if they're not the touchy-feely sort, "Grandpa's fine."</p><p>They want to keep him here for a few days to run some tests. Everyone keeps saying his memory will come back soon, probably before the next time he wakes up. So he takes a lot of naps.</p><p>***</p><p>On the second day of napping and not-remembering, a blond guy who looks like he's Changbin's age comes in. He looks like he's been crying and Changbin immediately doesn't want to deal with it. "I can't remember anything," he says, rudely, just to rip the band aid off. He figures this kid already knows, judging by the tears and the hesitant way he slips into the room, but Changbin wants it to sink in, hard, that he doesn't feel like being quizzed (<em>"The people in this picture are your parents. Remember? They died a couple of years ago." </em>). "I don't remember you," he clarifies.</p><p>The boy winces, says "Figured. Jong-su said you wouldn't."</p><p>"But you thought I might?" Changbin snaps. He's been taking so many naps he feels sluggish and hazy all the time. He doesn't like it. He doesn't know any other way of feeling.</p><p>The boy shrugs, "Not really." He pauses, bites at his fingernails, and says, "We're best friends. Known each other since we were four. I'm Felix."</p><p>"I'm—" Changbin starts to say automatically (I'm Seo Changbin. I go to Hanyang University. I live with my grandpa because my parents are dead. I'll be twenty in three days.).</p><p>Felix smiles crookedly, holds out his hand and says, "Nice to meet you. Again." When Changbin clutches on for a handshake, Felix erupts in laughter and then looks surprised at himself for it. "Sorry," he says, "it's just that this is much more civil than the first time we met. I pushed you off the swing of your own play set."</p><p>"This is the first time we've met," Changbin says, just to see Felix's face fall. It's one of those days where he just feels like being an asshole, but then, so is every day in recent memory. Which is to say every day he can remember.</p><p>"Right," Felix says, scuffing his feet on the linoleum. "Is there—I mean, is there anything you want to, like, know about yourself? Or about me?"</p><p>Changbin blinks. "I guess I—" he has so many questions he can hardly line them up in his mind. His grandpa just keeps talking at him like if he vomits up enough facts Changbin will say, 'Oh my god, yeah! Gosh, I misplaced my entire life there for a while, but oop! Here is it again!' But any time Changbin asks a question ("How did they die?", "Why was I in a fight?", "Do I have any friends?") his grandpa just clears his throat and changes the subject. "You may want to sit down," Changbin says, "we might be here a while."</p><p>Felix looks simultaneously relieved and sick to his stomach as he perches on the chair next to Changbin's bed. "Shoot," he says.</p><p>"Okay, first: you said we've been friends since we were four, right? So you knew my parents?" Felix nods, "How did they die?"</p><p>Felix exhales quickly, "Man, you don't ease in, do you?"</p><p>"I'm sorry," Changbin deadpans, "What's my favorite color?"</p><p>Felix grins, shakes his head, says, "Lavender."</p><p>"Liar."</p><p>"Maybe," Felix says, "Anyway, a car crash. They were really nice people."</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, "Oh." Because, well, it's all so abstract to him. Two people who he loved and lost but has never actually met (at least not this him). He supposes he should at least try to feel sad about it, but he can't. He's too angry at his situation. "And then I moved in with my grandpa?"</p><p>Felix nods, "We tried to rig it so you could live with me—you didn't really get along with Jong-su in the beginning—but, you know, my mom and stuff."</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>"Right," Felix says, face tightening, "Well, she had cancer."</p><p>"Had?"</p><p>"She's dead."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, looking away, "I'm sorry." And he is. He wonders if he should pat Felix on the hand or something to show how sorry he is.</p><p>Felix just shrugs, "Yeah, me, too. Anyway, next question?"</p><p>"You like me, right?" Changbin says.</p><p>Felix makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. Says, "What?"</p><p>"You," Changbin says, "Like me? My grandpa keeps avoiding the questions I ask that make him uncomfortable and any time I ask about friends, he gets all fidgety. I kind of figured I didn't have any, or that they were all meth-heads or something. Are you a meth-head?"</p><p>"No, and neither are you. I do, um, I like you just fine. Jong-su is probably acting that way because he's pissed at me."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I was with you the night this all happened."</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, pressing his palms against the mattress so he can sit up straighter. "What happened? He won't talk about that either."</p><p>"We don't know what happened. I—we were at a college visit and you and I went to separate parties. I was supposed to meet you, but you never showed. I figured—I…don't know what I figured, but I guess campus security found you and took you to the hospital there, and then they moved you here."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says.</p><p>"How do you even know about meth?" Felix says suddenly, cocking his head to the side. "Aren't you supposed to like, have no memory?"</p><p>"I'm also still potty trained, and can read," Changbin says. He wants to talk more about what happened to him, but no one seems to want to. He thinks that if he can just reconstruct that night, he'll be able to remember. It's dumb, but what else has he got to go on?</p><p>"Sorry I'm not intricately aware of how amnesia works," Felix sulks.</p><p>"No," Changbin says, rubbing his forehead, "I'm sorry. It's just frustrating. It's like, I mean, it's kind of like I've moved to a foreign country or something, and my backstory doesn't matter anymore, I'm just sort of, existing without an anchor. I know some things, because apparently I learned them, but I don't remember learning them. Meth is bad for example. Brushing your teeth twice a day is important, but all the rest, all that makes me <em> me </em> is just kind of…locked up where I can't get to it."</p><p>Felix doesn't say anything for a long time, and when he does, it's just "Well, fuck."</p><p>Changbin laughs until his belly aches.</p><p>***</p><p>They let him go home the next day, once they figure out there's nothing they can do about his memory but wait. "You might want to think about the idea that it won't come back," they say. Which—which is unthinkable so he ignores them.</p><p>"So," His grandpa says, swinging the door to Changbin's room open, "This is, well, yours. I'll let you get settled in, and, uh, is pizza okay for dinner?"</p><p>"Yeah," Changbin says distractedly, wandering into a room that for all intents and purposes belongs to someone who is not him.</p><p>He sits lightly on the bed and looks around. There are a few plaques on the wall from sports and academic stuff. A computer on the desk. A few textbooks thrown on a high shelf, the lower ones filled with games.</p><p>Something seizes him suddenly, that he's got to figure out who he is. He can't just not remember. He starts with the drawers, diving his hands into the bottom to see if he's got anything secret hidden under his underwear and socks. There isn't anything.</p><p>He tears through the shoeboxes in his closet—finds a bunch of old school reports, but nothing personal. (Apparently he's fantastic at Math and just okay at English.) He lifts up the mattress to see if he's hidden a journal or something between it and the box spring. All that's there is a stray sock. He wonders how secretive he used to be—maybe he should try prying up the floorboards or something. He's so frustrated he feels like crying. There's nothing here—no pictures, no notes from girlfriends, no birthday cards. Nothing. It's like he's nobody. <em> He is nobody. </em></p><p>He clicks through the files on his computer next, figuring he probably should have started there first even though his previous search was more physically satisfying, at least. Anyway, it doesn't matter because there's nothing on it either. Just school stuff.</p><p>There are a few emails from Felix, all brief and for the most part school related ("This class is the worst. Why do they make us take computers, but block us from all the useful websites? Like twitter and porn, I obviously mean." Before Changbin had responded, "You forgot reddit. What am I supposed to do with this overwhelming urge to emote all over the place?")</p><p>He sighs heavily when the doorbell rings and his grandpa calls him to dinner.</p><p>"Grandpa," he says, chewing on some pizza that is apparently his favorite kind. "Why are you so angry at Felix?"</p><p>His grandpa stops eating for a moment, looking startled. "Did he tell you I was angry with him?" Changbin nods. His grandpa sets down his pizza, looks like he's gearing up to say something big, and then just says, "Well, I'm not."</p><p>"Why would he think you were?"</p><p>"I don't know. Kid was a mess. You're his best friend, it's no wonder he was so upset."</p><p>Changbin rolls his eyes, knowing his grandpa's keeping something from him. "Whatever," he says, and stomps out of the room. His grandpa calls after him once, but doesn't follow him. Changbin doesn't know if that's what he wanted or not.</p><p>He gets to his room and throws himself on the bed, wants to call Felix but isn't sure how okay that is. Instead, he writes him an email (and to be fair, he isn't sure how okay this is either, but he figures he gets some kind of leeway for amnesia. That's a thing, right?).</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>I haven't remembered anything. don't get your hopes up.</em></p><p>Felix,</p><p>Listen, you said my grandpa and I didn't get along at first. Why? Any idea of how it got better? Asking the guy a question seems to be as difficult as a heist. Although he did say he's not pissed at you.</p><p>Also, I've been raiding BC's room (Before Changbin, I mean, that's what I'm calling him.).</p><p>Felix, it's obvious I'm going crazy over here and I feel weird talking to you about it because, sorry, but I don't know you. And you don't know me. Not really. This is stupid, but I—if you could just respond, that'd be great.</p><p>Thanks,</p><p>AC</p><p> </p><p>Within minutes, he gets a response:</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>Hope sufficiently low, promise</em></p><p>Dear Changbin (I'm not calling you AC),</p><p>Your grandpa's not a talker, really. He never wanted to talk to you about your parents or anything difficult. You learned pretty quick that if you had anything deep to talk about, you could do it with me. So, I mean, looks like you're already getting the hang of things.</p><p>If you're feeling overwhelmed, I can come over and we can zone out in front of the television for a few hours. That's what we usually do (did?).</p><p>-Felix</p><p>P.S. You know we can just text, right? </p><p> </p><p>He writes back:</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>Good, I'll keep you updated on the broken-brain thing</em></p><p>I'm feeling overwhelmed.</p><p>***</p><p>Felix has to come over a lot after that, and they steadily work their way through Changbin's stacks of movies.</p><p>He and his grandpa continue to skirt around touchy subjects (most of which Changbin learns are touchy only by stumbling into them), and he continues to not remember anything.</p><p>A week passes, and then two, and the third is almost out when his grandpa says, "Look, if you're bored here all day, you can take your job back at the store. Don't tell anyone I said this, but it's not that difficult. Unload the shipments and stack 'em up. Display the best shoes. Get people the sizes they need. I can man the register until we get you retrained on it."</p><p>Changbin doesn't think he wants a job—all Felix does is complain about his and Changbin's grandpa always comes home exhausted (although maybe that's because Changbin hasn't been around to help). "Okay," he says. "Can I start tomorrow?"</p><p>His grandpa smiles and pats him on the back, "It'll be good to have you back."</p><p>Changbin wants to say something snarky like, you won't really have me back. But he doesn't. Instead he goes out to sit on his porch and wishes Felix wasn't working tonight.</p><p>He takes a book with him—Crime and Punishment, which was apparently his favorite; he had it listed that way on facebook—but he feels pretentious even holding it. Instead he just watches the cars go by and the sun sink over the roofs of the houses in his neighborhood. He thinks about what it would be like if he never got his memories back.</p><p>On his birthday, his grandpa had said, "A fresh start, Changbin." And the way he made it sound was like he never expected Before Changbin to come back. Like After Changbin is supposed to just start over at twenty, pretending the loss of the first nineteen is no big deal. And that's—it's unacceptable; he won't do it. He won't.</p><p>So he picks up Dostoevsky and plods through the first few pages. Pretends he's got a history like Raskolnikov—long and rich and tangible. Heady on his tongue like the weight of it is almost too much, like it could break over him at any moment and rip him to shreds.</p><p>But he keeps on not-remembering.</p><p>He hurls the huge book down the concrete steps.</p><p>"Whoa there," someone says (Changbin jumps). "It's not nice to mistreat books like that."</p><p>A boy wanders into his front yard, wearing a black coat and ripped jeans. His long blond hair is in disarray down to his neck and his bangs are heavy and in his eyes. He picks up the book and cradles it like a baby. "There, there," he coos.</p><p>Changbin raises his eyebrows, wondering how fast he can scramble up and into the house if this guy goes completely insane. "Um," he says.</p><p>"I'm Hyunjin," he chirps, setting his book down beside Changbin and plopping down on the other side of that. "I heard you have amnesia. That's very exotic. Doesn't really affect me though, since we weren't friends before."</p><p>"Um," Changbin says again. "I'm…sorry?"</p><p>"Oh don't be. I mean, well, you can be a little. You were pretty horrible to me. But it's all forgotten," he giggles, "literally, right?"</p><p>He doesn't know whether to be angry or laugh, too. The result on his face must be hilarious because Hyunjin starts laughing hysterically.</p><p>"Anyway," he says once he's calmed himself down. "Are you still going by Changbin or have you come up with a new name for yourself?"</p><p>"Why would I do that?" he asks.</p><p>"I just figured, you know, if you can't remember your old life then it's not really yours anymore. Why not make a new one? Personally I'd go with Archibald or something mysterious like Mist. That way no one would ever forget your name."</p><p>"My old life is still mine," Changbin says, "And those names are awful."</p><p>Hyunjin shrugs because he apparently doesn't pick up on social cues. "Suit yourself," he says. "Anyway, if you need a friend, I'm right across the hedge."</p><p>With that, he hops off the steps and back to his yard. Just before he goes inside, he turns and says, "But you really should treat your books with more respect, memorable name or not."</p><p>Changbin squints at him like he's crazy (which he is) until the screen door slams behind him.</p><p>He goes back inside, mostly because he doesn't want to run the risk of him coming back out again, and emails Felix.</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>drugs, murder, and the insane asylum next door</em></p><p>Does the name Hyunjin ring a bell?</p><p>***</p><p>Working at a shoe store is actually kind of relaxing for Changbin. This probably has more to do with the fact that they're small, and traffic is light, but it means Changbin has something constructive to do with his time.</p><p>By his third day, he's relearned the register and his grandpa lets him run the place for short spans of time so he can get some work done on the paperwork end.</p><p>It's twenty minutes until close and Changbin has only had three customers all day. He texts Felix to see if the other boy is up for a movie after they both get off work. They've been doing things outside of Changbin's house lately—mostly because Hyunjin has taken to coming over every once in a while ("To see if you've developed any extraordinary abilities with your new outlook on life.") and his grandpa refuses to lie and say he's not there.</p><p>Turns out, Hyunjin has always been a little nuts. Felix says they all went to grade school together, but then Hyunjin went to a private school until they all started at Hanyang and somewhere in that time, he stopped brushing his hair and started talking to books. "He's a nutcase," Felix told him as they watched him through Changbin's blinds as he cartwheeled his way through his backyard. "He's absolutely crazy."</p><p>His grandpa comes out from his office, heaves a sigh and says, "Why don't we just call it a day?"</p><p>Changbin feels bad, wonders what they're living on if the store has always been this slow. Maybe he should offer to get another job? Would that be rude? Maybe he'll ask Felix what he should do.</p><p>When they get home, Felix's texted him back saying he picked up another shift, sorry, but he can't hang out tonight. Changbin sighs and lies down, not knowing what to do with himself.</p><p>It's like Hyunjin has a sensor for these types of things because a full hour doesn't pass before he's knocking on his window. "We've got a front door," Changbin says through the glass, not bothering to open it.</p><p>"I know," he says, "I just felt like doing something new today. Are you busy?"</p><p>"Very," he says.</p><p>"Can I come in?"</p><p>He sighs heavily, but can't think of an excuse why not. Says, "Fine. I'll meet you at the door."</p><p>"Actually I was thinking it'd be fun to climb through the window. All the kids in the '90s did it."</p><p>Changbin rolls his eyes as he opens the window. "Knock yourself out."</p><p>"Well I should hope not!" he says, clambering in. The window isn't even three feet off the ground and somehow Hyunjin still ends up in a heap on the floor, saying, "Oof! I'm glad we're not in the 90's anymore."</p><p>Changbin laughs, unexpectedly, and then covers his mouth with his hand to try and block it. Hyunjin smiles up at him brightly. "So," he says, "What's got you so busy?"</p><p>"What?" he says, "Oh, um, I was trying to perfect my telepathy." Hyunjin gasps and bulges his eyes out very wide. "Are…you okay?" Changbin asks, finally, after Hyunjin shows no signs of stopping.</p><p>"I'm pushing a thought towards you, obviously."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, "Well I guess I'm not a telepath after all."</p><p>"Shame," Hyunjin says. He looks at him pointedly for a moment before continuing, "Well? Aren't you going to ask me what I was thinking?"</p><p>"What were you thinking, Hyunjin?" Changbin deadpans.</p><p>"I was thinking I haven't seen The Outsiders in ages and you've got it on your shelf. Well, at least that's the thought I was feeding you. I actually think quite a few things simultaneously. Like right this second I'm thinking movie, testosterone, pizza."</p><p>"Are you hungry or…" he's going to say horny, but he doesn't know how that would be received.</p><p>"Incredibly turned on by your masculinity? No, neither of those. I'm just demonstrating that the human mind is a twisty and confusing place. Even for people without messed up brains like yours."</p><p>"Do you always just say whatever you want?"</p><p>"Oh no," Hyunjin says, eyebrows up under his bangs, "That would be plain rude."</p><p>A small laugh bursts out of Changbin's mouth before he can stop it, and embarrassingly, this turns into a doubled-over laughing fit. Hyunjin doesn't laugh at all, he just plucks The Outsiders off the shelf and makes his way into the living room. Changbin follows after him helplessly, still choking on giggles.</p><p>"Hello, Mr. Seo," Hyunjin chirps at Changbin's grandpa.</p><p>"Hyunjin," he says, "I didn't see you come in."</p><p>"You wouldn't have," he says, fiddling with the Blu-ray player like he owns the place. "I climbed through the window."</p><p>"Oh," he says, looking at Changbin. Changbin shrugs and shakes his head like I have no idea. His grandpa smiles and says, "Well, I'll leave you two kids alone."</p><p>On his way out of the room, his grandpa grips Changbin's shoulder and leans in to say, "He's nice."</p><p>"What?" Changbin sputters, scowling at the back of his grandpa's head as he laughs all the way down the hall.</p><p>Hyunjin is not—he's not nice at all. He's…a ragamuffin.</p><p>Hyunjin hurls himself down on the couch and pats the cushion next to him. Changbin sits in the chair instead. "Suit yourself," he sing-songs. Changbin rolls his eyes.</p><p>Halfway through the movie, he figures out Hyunjin doesn't understand the concept of being quiet. "I can't decide if I like Patrick Swayze better in this or Dirty Dancing. I know they're totally different, and of course he's got a bigger part in Dirty Dancing but…I don't know, maybe they're not totally different. Tough Greaser, Tough Dancer—kind of the same concept right?"</p><p>Changbin grunts in response.</p><p>"Hey, are you going to take classes at Hanyang this semester?"</p><p>He jolts a little at the direct question after the mindless drabble from before. "Uh," he says, "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it."</p><p>"Well, I think you should. Registration opens tomorrow. I think I'm going to take a theatre class, although I've been told I'm horrible at acting. I can't seem to let go of reality long enough to sink into the role. Anyway, what do you think you'll do?"</p><p>"I've only been thinking about it for the last thirty seconds, I don't know yet what I'll do." He snaps. When will he ever stop talking?</p><p>"But you probably have some idea of what you'll do. I mean, it's like when you play eenie-meanie-miney-moe, right? Only you already know which option you'll choose and if you land on the wrong one, you just tack on a bunch of stuff about tigers and mothers and things."</p><p>"Well then I probably won't go back," Changbin says. What's the point, anyway? He should start looking for a full-time job to help support his grandpa.</p><p>"That's a shame," Hyunjin coos, and Changbin thinks he's talking about him, but then he whispers, "The good ones always die young. Bye, Johnny."</p><p>Changbin thinks his eyes might fall out of their sockets from rolling so hard.</p><p>"Well," Hyunjin says, slapping his thighs before leaping to his feet, "I'm beat. See you tomorrow."</p><p>"I work tomorrow," Changbin says quickly.</p><p>Hyunjin looks thoughtful for a moment. "I need a new pair of shoes for school!" he says, cheered-right-up.</p><p>Changbin wants to tell him he doesn't—that his tattered Converse are fine—but he knows they need the business. "Alright," he says, "See you tomorrow."</p><p>The next day, as expected, Hyunjin sweeps into the store two minutes before they officially open. "Good morning!" Hyunjin says, stretching out the 'or' until it hurts Changbin's ears.</p><p>"Hello," he says, not bothering to stop doing up the laces of a new pair of Nikes they got in. They're starting a big sale on P.E. shoes soon, so he's got to get the storefront display ready and he's not in the mood for Hyunjin's boisterous act. Not that he'd be in the mood for it even if he didn't have things to do.</p><p>"So I was thinking…I either want some like, really colorful New Balances or some stompy boots—you know, a bit like combat boots but more, like, worn in or something."</p><p>"I thought you needed shoes for school," he says.</p><p>Hyunjin gasps, "And people are saying you're having problems with your memory."</p><p>"Hyunjin," he growls, slamming the shoe down on the counter.</p><p>"Kidding, kidding," Hyunjin says, "But in any case, you're right. I'd better go with the Nikes."</p><p>Changbin rubs a hand over his face, torn between laughing and crying. "There's some blue and red ones along the back wall. Let me know if you like them and I'll grab your size," he mumbles from behind his palm.</p><p>Hyunjin skips away and then shouts, "Oh, these are perfect. I'm a nine and half, narrow!"</p><p>"We don't carry anything in narrow, but I can order them for you."</p><p>"It's fine," he says, "I'm not really a narrow, I just think it makes me sound more elegant."</p><p>Changbin stomps to the back room and fishes out the goddamn six-and-a-half regulars and shoves them in his arms.</p><p>For the first time since he's met Hyunjin, he looks a little sad. "Changbin," he says, slipping one of the shoes out of the box and cupping it in his palm, "If you don't like me, you can just say so."</p><p>"I—" don't like you, Changbin starts to say. But Hyunjin sucks his bottom lip into his mouth when he quivers and his face flushes so pink his own face heats up in a sympathetic blush.</p><p>"It's just that I thought maybe you could like me now," he says quietly.</p><p>He closes his eyes for a second, because shit he is such a douche. "I do like you, Hyunjin. I'm sorry. It's—rough time, lately. I'm sorry."</p><p>Hyunjin gives him a watery smile, slides the damn sneakers on his feet and whispers, "Perfect."</p><p>He spends the rest of the day around while Changbin goes on like it's business as usual. Hyunjin continues to talk at him for the most part, but he doesn't let it get to him, and by the end of the day, he actually thinks the guy is really funny.</p><p>"Have you signed up for your classes yet?" Hyunjin asks.</p><p>"I told you I'm not going to take any this semester." He says lightly, straightening some of the boxes on the shelves (he's already straightened them about twenty-five times, but there's nothing else to do).</p><p>"No," he says, giggling a little as he tilts to the side, "You said you probably wouldn't, not that you definitely wouldn't."</p><p>"Well I—"</p><p>"Did I tell you I was going to take a theatre class? Well I changed my mind. Real life is much more interesting. Besides, it was at the same time as World Geography and I need that to graduate. Anyway, let me know what you sign up for. Maybe we can carpool."</p><p>"I—" Changbin says, "Yeah, okay. I will."</p><p>(Later that night he signs up for Astronomy, French, Geometry, Mythology, and World Geography.)</p><p>***</p><p>On the first day of classes, Felix shows up in his bright green car and begs Changbin to make him a coffee.</p><p>"It's 11h," Changbin says, pulling a travel mug down from the cabinet, "that is sleeping in."</p><p>"Some of us don't have the luxury of working at a place that closes at 5, alright? I didn't get off until 1h this morning." Felix grumbles.</p><p>Things have been a little strained between the two of them since Changbin started sort of actively participating in his friendship with Hyunjin. He tried, once, for the three of them to hang out together, but Felix almost had made Hyunjin cry and Changbin really doesn't want to relive that. So he'll just keep them separate. Felix works so much these days, anyway, it'll hardly be a problem.</p><p>"Ready for today?" Changbin asks, handing Felix his coffee.</p><p>He leans back against the counter while Felix takes a huge swig, and then makes a face. "Ugh," he says, "Sugar?" Changbin points to the bowl on the table. "And about today: not really, but it's whatever. Looking forward to any of your classes?"</p><p>"I'm nervous more than anything. I wish you and I shared some of them. It'd be nice to see you around more."</p><p>Felix winces, "I'm sorry—it's just a really busy time at work and—"</p><p>"Felix, no," Changbin says, smiling, "I didn't mean it as a guilt trip or anything. Although I still can't understand why you wouldn't want to repeat French 101. I mean, if you were my real friend—"</p><p>"Je ne veux plus être ton ami," Felix says quietly.</p><p>"See," Changbin says, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder, "I have no idea what the fuck you just said. And you're leaving me alone to face my embarrassment."</p><p>Felix grins and follows Changbin out the door.</p><p>Campus is about a twenty minute drive from Changbin's neighborhood, but with the way Felix drives, they get there in twelve. "Um," Changbin says, joints of his fingers sore from gripping onto the seat so hard, "I'll drive on Wednesday, alright?"</p><p>Felix laughs, calls him a pussy, and turns off the ignition. Suddenly everything is quiet and serious and Changbin feels like he's going to throw up. Felix moves to get out of the car, but Changbin grabs his wrist, "Felix," he says, panicked, "This is—I mean, people are—"</p><p>"You're gonna be fine," Felix says, flexing his hand. Changbin drops his wrist sheepishly. "I promise."</p><p>"Yeah," Changbin says, "Okay. Let's go."</p><p>The day doesn't go as bad as he was expecting, but there are plenty of things that do go wrong. For one, he has to relearn the layout of the school. He ends up late to French but the teacher just frowns a bit and moves on with role.</p><p>The worst part is when he goes to Geometry and some guy in glasses says, "What up, Changbin?" And Changbin kind of pretends to know the guy for the remainder of their strained conversation before class starts.</p><p>Between that and Astronomy he's got a two hour break, but he can't leave campus since Felix drove him. He wishes Felix had a break too, but he's got to fit all of his classes into a MWF schedule so he can work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. ("It's not so much that I need the money," Felix told him, "It's that the more shifts I work, the more time I'm away from my piece of shit dad." And that's not something Changbin knows enough about to argue with.)</p><p>So he sits alone, waits out the two hours, and then goes to Astronomy where he thankfully makes it on time and meets no one he's supposed to know.</p><p>After, Felix is waiting outside his classroom. Changbin lets out the breath he's been holding all day and grins, "Bonjour, mon ami!"</p><p>"See?" Felix says, "You don't need me at all."</p><p>"Lies," Changbin says. "So, how was your day?"</p><p>"Exhausting, yours?"</p><p>"Better than expected. Still, I am more than ready to get out of here."</p><p>"Agreed," Felix says, jingling his keys in Changbin's face, "Let's go."</p><p>Felix drives him home, going a little bit closer to the speed limit this time, which Changbin appreciates. When they get to Changbin's house, Changbin sees Hyunjin on his porch. He smiles, bounces on his feet a little and waves. Felix slumps down in his seat and makes a displeased noise. Changbin suddenly feels kind of guilty, but doesn't know what to do about it. Before Changbin would probably have made a joke at Hyunjin's expense, but he can't do that, so he goes on instinct, brushing his knuckles over Felix's clenched fist and saying, "I wish you didn't have to work. I miss hanging out with you."</p><p>He realizes about halfway through just how that sounds, especially paired with the touching thing, but it's not like he can take it back. He's not really sure where it came from—just that he has this protective urge with Felix that he can't squelch.</p><p>In any case, Felix just makes a face, "I know, right?" He smiles warmly, "Enjoy your evening. Pick me up Wednesday morning?"</p><p>"Yep," Changbin says, "See you."</p><p>"So," Hyunjin says, drawing out the 'o.' He's still bouncing up and down and smiling hugely. "How was it?"</p><p>Changbin shrugs, "It was alright."</p><p>"Did anyone target you for a position in the Interpol?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"NIS?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Me either," He says. "Anyway, ask me how my day went."</p><p>"How did your day go?" Changbin asks, sitting down with him on the steps and grinning at him. Now that he's spent the whole summer getting used to his peculiarities, he thinks he's really charming (although still somewhat tiring).</p><p>"I'm in love," He says with a proud huff of his chest, like someone challenged him to it and he succeeded.</p><p>"Anyone I know?" He asks, and then laughs because it's funny. He only knows Hyunjin and Felix and his grandpa.</p><p>"I only know her last name," he says unhappily, "But if we got married I would have the best name on the planet: Gwon Hyunjin."</p><p>Changbin blanches, "You know you don't take the wife's name, right? And that's just a regular name."</p><p>"Hush, you," he says, elbowing him with a pout on his face. "I think it's a very nice name. She's my English professor, but that's not even the best part," he swoons.</p><p>"You consider that a good thing?"</p><p>Hyunjin swats at his arm, "Yes, and the best part is—"</p><p>"Gross. She's single?"</p><p>"Oh," Hyunjin says, "I should have investigated that. Hmm. Anyway, no, the best part is that she was wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches on top of a flowery dress," He pauses to squeal, "I don't know if you understand what that means to me so I'll just tell you—it means she is one step closer to meeting every qualification for being my perfect mate."</p><p>"A tweed jacket?"</p><p>"With elbow patches."</p><p>"Right," Changbin says, "Of course."</p><p>Hyunjin sighs dreamily, "I take it you didn't fall in love with anyone today."</p><p>"Well my Astronomy professor was wearing an argyle sweater. You know how hot that gets me," Changbin says.</p><p>"Oh, I know!" Hyunjin says and Changbin winces, always vaguely amused and horrified when Hyunjin ignores blatant sarcasm. "I just can't wait until tomorrow! I mean, I won't see Professor Gwon, but I will have a ride to campus for once!"</p><p>"What do you usually do?" Changbin asks.</p><p>"Take the city bus. It usually makes me feel very adventurous but sometimes is a bit too sketchy, even for me."</p><p>"Ah, well, yeah. We'll ride together tomorrow."</p><p>"I also spotted this great hill today when I was staring out the window during my math class and I think we should eat lunch together there. Okay? I also think that you should bring lunch with you and we can trade because, you know, I always pack gross things like apples and celery and what I really want is pudding cups."</p><p>"If you're packing it, why don't you bring what you want?"</p><p>"Well then I'd be too selfish to trade, and that's no way to make friends."</p><p>Changbin laughs and shakes his head, "Alright, Hyunjin. I'll be sure to pack a pudding cup."</p><p>***</p><p>The sixth month mark really gets to him. He goes through the day, supremely focused on pushing his mind as much as he can, hoping the stress will break the dam keeping his memories in or something.</p><p>But nothing happens, and all it does get him is a headache.</p><p>When his last class is over, he doesn't even bother saying hi to Felix, who's waiting for him as usual. He just storms down the hallway towards the parking lot, hoping Felix will follow him.</p><p>Felix falls into step beside him and claps him on the shoulder. "Been a long day?" he asks.</p><p>Changbin sighs, "You could say that."</p><p>Felix grins, "D'you work tonight? Wanna come over to my place? My dad's on some business conference so we can raid his liquor cabinet—loosen up a bit."</p><p>"I—" Changbin starts to say no-thank-you, he doesn't think getting wasted will help his situation any, but Felix's face falls and he says, "We used to do it all the time." And, well, if that's true then Changbin guesses he has no excuse to say no. "Alright," he says, and smiles a little when Felix's eyes light up.</p><p>Two hours and who knows how many Kitchen Sinks later, Changbin leans back on Felix's leather couch and sighs happily. He's so drunk, it hardly matters that his brain's all fucked up and nobody knows how to fix it. He smiles at Felix, says, "Thanks, man. You're right—I needed this."</p><p>Felix nods and smiles back. "You're my best friend. Of course I know what you need."</p><p>"Yeah," Changbin says, "Yeah, it's—it's just so hard, y'know? It's like. Have you ever had amnesia? Wait. That's dumb. 'Course you haven't. I'm—where's the bathroom? I have to pee."</p><p>Felix hoists himself up on his feet, sways a little, and says, "C'mon, I'll show you." Changbin trips along behind Felix down a long hallway and up a short flight of stairs. "Ah, here we are," Felix slurs, leaning against the wall and pushing a door open with his index finger, "The commode!"</p><p>Changbin laughs a little and walks past Felix into the darkened room. He fumbles for the light switch until Felix finally says, "Let me," and flips it on himself.</p><p>"Thanks," Changbin says, attempting to shut the door between them. But Felix seems to have made himself at home. "Um," Changbin says, "I have to go."</p><p>Felix nods at the toilet, "No one's stopping you."</p><p>"But you're—" Changbin starts to say, but Felix gives him a look like so? and Changbin really does have to pee. He watches Felix in the mirror as the other boy shuts the door and leans against it, looking at his feet. It's not so different from a public restroom, he guesses, and it's not like Felix is staring at him so…they have been friends since they were four (just because he can't remember it doesn't really mean much).</p><p>He finishes, washing his hands and drying them on the sides of his thighs. He turns to go, expecting Felix to open the door and follow him out, but Felix just stands there.</p><p>And now he is staring.</p><p>"Um," Changbin says, shuffling his feet, "I'm, err, done."</p><p>Felix's face tightens and he steps forward until Changbin is pressed back against the sink. Felix's taller than him—he's just now noticing. And he smells like peppermint. (None of it is familiar.) "Um," Changbin says again, gripping the sink for balance. Felix is almost pressed against him, but he's looking down at his feet still, like he's nervous. And, okay, Changbin is nervous, too, and he doesn't understand what's happening when Felix's shaking fingers skim along Changbin's waistband and he says, "We used to do this, too, sometimes."</p><p>"We do—what?"</p><p>Felix undoes his own pants and reaches inside, shuddering against Changbin's body. "Wait," Changbin says, "Wait, what are you—"</p><p>Felix gasps and presses his face against Changbin's neck, "Please," he says. "Please—I'm sorry, I—I miss you. Please just—" he breaks off in a wrecked moan.</p><p>Changbin wants to pull back and get Felix to look at him—thinks that maybe he'll get a better handle on things if he could do that. But then Felix's knuckles brush over the front of Changbin's pants and Changbin jerks forward accidentally, forgetting everything for a moment except that he has never done this before. Not this him anyway. "We—were we—I don't—" Changbin tries, but Felix is panting against his collar in a very distracting way.</p><p>Felix presses in and up so that his mouth is against Changbin's ear and his knuckles are dragging purposefully over Changbin's bulge (which is definitely a bulge now, where it hadn't been at first. Is—what's going on?). He starts murmuring Changbin's name in his ear, breath hot and shaky. Changbin sways on his feet, warm and dizzy and not-just-a-little-bit drunk. He puts his hands on Felix's hips—more for balance than anything—and Felix's gasp catches into a groan and he's saying, "Miss you, miss you, remember me," and then he's coming and Changbin's coming because of it.</p><p>He puts his arms around Felix, who's crying and gripping the front of Changbin's shirt. "Shh," Changbin says, stroking Felix's back, "Shh. It's okay."</p><p>It's not really—okay, that is—but Changbin doesn't know how to say that. Doesn't know how to tell Felix he's not who he used to be, and he might not ever be again.</p><p>***</p><p>When he wakes up the next morning, it's to a splitting headache and a dry mouth. Felix seems to be suffering under similar conditions judging by the way he doesn't even bother to say good morning before tossing Changbin a bottle of aspirin and passing back out.</p><p>Changbin sees himself out—suddenly needing to be away from Felix's stuffy room (and from Felix himself, who's only wearing a pair of boxers riding low around his hips). The walk home clears the fog in his head a little, but doesn't get rid of the shaky-nausea that's settled in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>Another problem of not having very many memories is that the ones he does have are that much sharper. It's like he can hear Felix's panting breath loud and hissing in his ear, still. Like his knees still want to buckle from it. <em>Fuck.</em></p><p>After that whole charade in the bathroom, they'd stumbled back to Felix's room where Felix had informed him that they weren't a couple, and then he'd kissed Changbin until Changbin was trembling against the mattress, arching up into Felix's hands (which seemed to know every place Changbin needed them to be). After coming again, from Felix palming at the front of his tented boxers, Felix spent another twenty minutes saying he was sorry—that he'd promised himself he wasn't going to do this kind of thing anymore.</p><p>It's all very confusing.</p><p>When he gets to his house, his grandpa is reading the paper at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal. The sound of it crunching between his teeth makes Changbin want to puke and he says so, filling a glass with water from the tap and sipping it cautiously. "Ah," his grandpa says, eyeing him over the paper, "I know that look. Felix had his way with you again, didn't he?"</p><p>Changbin sputters, leaning over the sink to spit out the water in his mouth. "You mean you know about that?" From the way Felix had gone on, this was a pretty dark secret for them both.</p><p>His grandpa shakes his head, "That boy has been getting you drunk and sending you home hung over since you were seventeen."</p><p>"Um," Changbin says, rubbing the back of his neck and wondering how much time he has to chat before he actually does have to succumb to his need to vomit.</p><p>"Relax. He's had a hard time of it since his mom, and you—" his grandpa looks down and clears his throat hastily, "You've been a good friend to him."</p><p>"Right," Changbin says, feeling as awkward as always when his grandpa accidentally alludes to his parents' deaths. He supposes it ought to hurt more (that it will hurt a lot if he ever gets his memories back) but it's hard to be upset about people he never knew. This him, anyway.</p><p>"Go lie down," his grandpa says, waving him out of the room, "and try to take a shower. Your smell is boozing up the house."</p><p>Changbin does both of those things in reverse order, settling down carefully on his bed still warm and wet from his shower, hair clinging to his forehead as he pulls the covers up to his chin.</p><p>He's halfway asleep already but he's thinking of Felix, and Felix's hands all over him and how it felt good. So good. But, he thinks just before he falls completely asleep, what would Before Changbin say about all of it?</p><p>He spends all of Sunday clicking through old emails between he and Felix, looking for clues that they were together. He supposes they did say some suggestive things to each other, but he always assumed it was kind of a normal teenage boy thing to do. And anything that suggests a deeper connection than that, he'd been attributing to the fact that they'd both lost parents and helped each other through it. He guesses they did help each other through it, in more ways than one.</p><p>By the end of the day, he's going half-mad, wanting to talk to Felix about what happened, and maybe do it again. Okay, no, definitely do that again.</p><p>In some ways, having no memory lets him off the hook. He doesn't have a big crisis because he figures he'll leave that to Before Changbin, if he ever shows up again. It's still frustrating, though, because he doesn't know the protocol for this kind of thing. What would Felix want him to do?</p><p>In the end, Felix solves it for him in an email that Changbin reads about fifteen times.</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>You're probably busy freaking out right now</em></p><p>…but don't. What happened last night is no big deal, okay? Just a way we relieve stress. We used to do it all the time. But if it makes you uncomfortable, we can totally stop.</p><p>-Felix</p><p> </p><p>On the sixteenth read-through, Changbin gets it, and responds:</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>You busy next Friday night?</em></p><p>I definitely don't want to stop.</p><p>***</p><p>The week goes by so slow Changbin is constantly in a state of wanting to scream. Hyunjin asks him what's wrong a few times, but he mumbles some emo-bullshit (sort of) about not having a working brain that successfully sends him into a rant about how is brain is just fine and he should stop beating himself up.</p><p>When Friday finally does get here, Changbin spends the whole day with his leg bouncing up and down impatiently. His last class is cancelled, so he shoots a text to Felix to let him know, and goes outside to wait, not wanting to be trapped inside for one second longer.</p><p>He leans against Felix's car, waiting for him to get done with class, itching to get home. His grandpa is working all evening and they'll have the place to themselves. They'll be able to take their time. Changbin shudders at the thought.</p><p>Felix smiles at him when he catches Changbin waiting, leans against him under the pretense of unlocking the door. "Been waiting long?" he asks, voice already husky. Changbin gulps in a breath.</p><p>"Feels like it," he rasps, wishing he could just hurl Felix into the backseat and have his way with him in the parking lot. Knows Before Changbin would be ticked at having his reputation ruined, not to mention Felix's reaction.</p><p>But he doesn't want to think of Before Changbin now. Not really. Not when Felix says, "I've been thinking about it all week." And Changbin knows just how he feels. He clenches his hands into fists to keep from reaching for Felix, who seems to understand his struggle and steps away, putting the car between them to get to the driver's side. He grins, one side of his mouth higher than the other, and runs a hand through his hair. "Shall we?" He says. Changbin hops in the car and drums his fingers on his knees anxiously.</p><p>Felix fiddles with the radio and Changbin can see his hands are shaking, knows his are shaking too, like they're drug addicts. Which is actually kind of a good comparison if he thinks about it. He wants to ask if they were like this before, together, but he doesn't want to ruin anything. Instead he nudges his pinky and ring finger under Felix's thigh just to get some contact. Felix huffs out a breath.</p><p>Changbin can smell the peppermint shampoo Felix uses and it really is like some kind of drug and all he wants to do is sink his nose in Felix's hair and take a deep breath, get his eyelashes tangled up in the silky strands. Drive faster, he wants to say, but doesn't, because he's still not sure how he's supposed to be acting about this arrangement. He groans instead, to get his point across.</p><p>Felix laughs a little and it's high-pitched and breathy, like he's about to do something crazy and he's trying to convince himself it's fine, it's no-big-deal. Changbin has the same kind of laugh stuck in his throat.</p><p>They pull onto Changbin's street and into his driveway and it's not until Felix turns off the car that Changbin realizes how loud his heart is hammering in his chest. "So," he says, "Wanna come in?"</p><p>Felix laughs again. Says, "That was the plan."</p><p>They're all tough-guy to the door, shouldering their backpacks and keeping a lot of distance between them. Changbin unlocks the front door and moves to head for his room because he doesn't really know what else to do (he almost gives a tour but then he remembers—Felix's been here before, loads of times). His foot hits the carpet in the hallway and he hears Felix's backpack drop with a thunk by the door, hears his three quick footsteps to catch up with Changbin, feels a hand grab his shoulder to spin him around.</p><p>He has just enough time to smile welcomingly before Felix's mouth is on his, hungry and open and wet, and god this is actually completely like being on drugs.</p><p>Changbin tries to grip onto the wall but his hand slips and he ends up crashing to his ass on the floor, but Felix follows him, cupping his face in his hands and laughing into his mouth. "Smooth," he says, bracketing Changbin's hips with his knees.</p><p>"My middle name," Changbin murmurs, tipping his face up to fit his lips to Felix's better.</p><p>Felix pulls back, eyes wide, thumbs stroking under Changbin's eyes. "What did you say?"</p><p>"Uh," Changbin says, dazed, "my middle name? You know—smooth's my middle name?"</p><p>Felix smiles, "Yeah, dumbass, I know the joke, I just—" his face darkens for a split second but he hastily covers it up by leaning in for another kiss.</p><p>"Wait," Changbin says, pushing him back, "What were you going to say?"</p><p>"Nothing," Felix says, teeth scraping down Changbin's neck in a way that makes him gasp. "Nothing," he says again, hand working its way under Changbin's shirt.</p><p>"Felix—what," he breaks off in a groan as Felix bites his earlobe.</p><p>He's losing the plot so quickly he can't exactly remember what he's asking Felix for anyway, but Felix pulls back, looking thoughtful, and says, "You just used to say that. You—the first time we—" he shakes his head as if to clear some thought from it. Changbin feels the now-familiar pang of jealousy that Felix has the luxury of doing that—of having so many memories of the two of them that he can pick and choose which ones to focus on.</p><p>Felix hoists him up and they practically run down the hall to Changbin's room, groping each other along the way. They land in a heap on Changbin's bed, sending it rocking against the wall noisily. Changbin snorts with laughter as one of his plaques (academic achievement, eleventh grade, highest math scores in the state—he wonders if Before Changbin is proud of that) clatters to the floor. Felix ignores him, tugging his shirt over his head and working on buttons of Changbin's. When his fingers brush down Changbin's bare stomach, Changbin quivers and inhales sharply. Looks up at Felix's kissed-raw lips and lust-blown eyes, thinking shit.</p><p>He wonders if it's always been this intense, and he asks, and Felix's hips buck against his thigh but he says, "I don't know."</p><p>They get each other's pants off and then it's just skin, and tons of it, every inch burning where it meets Felix's. Changbin is shaking and locking his ankles behind Felix's back instinctually to get closer, to get anything and Felix's writhing against him, breathing hard in his ear.</p><p>Changbin gasps, eyes screwed shut, sweat dripping down the backs of his thighs. "Tell me," he says, "Tell me about it."</p><p>"What?" Felix grits out, hips stuttering.</p><p>"The first time we—" he groans, "the first time I touched you."</p><p>Felix laughs, "How do you know you made the first move?"</p><p>"Did I?"</p><p>"Yeah," Felix says, blush spreading over his cheekbones. (Changbin wants so badly to be remembering what Felix is. To know how it felt when it was new for them both.)</p><p>They've stopped grinding into each other and Changbin's fingers are trailing up and down Felix's back like <em> tell me tell me tell me </em>. Felix sighs, drops his forehead against Changbin's shoulder for a second and says, "It was a few months after my mom died. I wasn't," he swallows, "coping that well. I was getting into fights all the time, with everyone, including you." He looks up, eyes flashing guiltily. Changbin shrugs like it's no big deal even though he doesn't know if that's true or not. "Anyway, we were at my place, and you said I needed to get my head out of my ass and stop being such a little bitch. So, I called you a cocksucker and you said, that's my middle name. Which, I mean, it was stupid—it didn't make any sense, but you just wanted me to laugh. And then, well, then it kind of was your middle name, because you grabbed the front of my shirt and kissed the shit out of me."</p><p>Changbin kisses him now, licks into his mouth and bites at his lips. Says, "then what?"</p><p>Felix's breathing speeds up again, and his face feels hot where it's pressed to Changbin's neck. His hand slides down to circle Changbin's cock and he gives it a pull, flicking his thumb over the head. "Then we did this," he murmurs.</p><p>Changbin moans, body bucking up wildly, and thinks he was totally wrong. He could get off just on Felix telling him how they used to be together.</p><p>To prove it to himself, he grips one hand in Felix's hair and angles his mouth to press against Felix's jaw. "Like this?" he says, reaching between them to grip Felix's cock.</p><p>"Yeah," Felix groans, "Yeah."</p><p>When he comes, it's saying Felix's name and Felix's face drops open like <em> oh my god </em> and he says, "Changbin, Changbin, Jesus." For a second, his expression is so unguarded that it yawns in Changbin's chest and he's so full of wonder that he thinks he might cry or something. The feeling crashes through him, making him shake harder than his orgasm did, but then he looks up and Felix's got his eyes closed and the moment's gone.</p><p>After that, he thinks a lot about what it would be like to have sex with Felix. Like, actual sex-sex. He wants to talk to someone about it, but he can't, obviously, so he sometimes plays out conversations in his head instead.</p><p>He starts with Hyunjin, because he's the easiest. He'd say they were already having sex-sex, silly—the penetration bias is so patriarchal and close-minded. Then he'd probably complain about his choice of partner before moving on to be incredibly supportive and almost creepy in his thirst for details.</p><p>His grandpa—well, this one is harder because Changbin can't imagine ever actually talking to him about this stuff. But when he does think about it, he imagines his grandpa sort of gruffly talking about safety and practicalities like preparation. Not that the grandpa living outside Changbin's head would know anything about gay-sex practicalities, but it's reassuring to have someone (in his head at least) worried about that kind of thing.</p><p>When he has a pretend conversation with Felix about it he always ends up hard and jittery, needing a fix and fast, so he only thinks about that when he's alone.</p><p>He keeps it a secret as long as he can until one night, Felix's got his mouth around Changbin's cock and Changbin moans, "Oh my god, I want to fuck you."</p><p>Felix pulls back, heinous popping noise of his lips leaving Changbin's cock echoing through the room. "What?" he gasps, mouth bruised and slick with spit. Changbin groans just looking at him.</p><p>"I," he says, suddenly shy, "I want us to…I want to be inside you."</p><p>Felix makes a face, "Why would we do that?"</p><p>Changbin's blood runs cold. "Why—" he says, voice breaking a little, "Why wouldn't we?"</p><p>"Uh," Felix says, face like duh, "Because we're not gay."</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, gesturing at their naked, sweaty bodies. "This is—I mean, this looks pretty gay, Felix, I'm—"</p><p>"You're not," He says, "You're not, okay? I know you better than anyone knows you and you're not gay."</p><p>"Maybe I wasn't…Before, but—"</p><p>"You're the same person! Goddamn it, Changbin. You're the same person. And we are not gay."</p><p>Changbin takes a deep breath and rolls out from under Felix and reaches for his pants. "Where are you going?" Felix sighs, trying to press Changbin's jeans down, "Just—don't—"</p><p>"Felix, I am glad to be your friend. Okay? I think you're great. Let's be friends." He takes a deep breath, "But if I'm going to do this thing with you—well it's. I just can't. Not if…" he stops, looks at Felix who's just sitting on the bed, eyes on his hands, mouth etched in a frown.</p><p>Changbin feels panicky—he doesn't want to lose this with Felix, he wants him, all of him. He reaches out to touch Felix's jaw—two fingers pressed against the point under his ear. Lays it on the table, "Please," he says. "I know you have…feelings for," he scoffs at himself for not knowing the words to say. "You don't have to be afraid or anything, just—"</p><p>"Yeah," Felix says, "You should go."</p><p>"Felix."</p><p>"I'll see you in school."</p><p>"Alright," Changbin says, tugging his sweatshirt over his head, "See you."</p><p>He hurries out of Felix's house and drives away, going way over the speed limit just to get away faster.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay! Part Two! I'm stressed!<br/>You wouldn't believe how many times I changed my mind about what I was going to do with this part. But we're finally here! And I'm really sorry for being so so so damn late.<br/>I reallyyyy appreciate you guys taking the time of your day to read and comment such nice things about this little self-indulgent piece.<br/>Thank you so much!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I have a brother," Hyunjin says, apropos of nothing (which seems to be how he begins all conversations). "Half brother, anyways. His name is Minho. He is—well, actually, never mind. But anyway, yep. I've got a brother."</p><p>Changbin takes a bite of his apple. "Why are you telling me this now?" he says, eyebrows raised in invitation.</p><p>Hyunjin just shrugs, "I just felt like telling you." Changbin doubts this is true, knows there's got to be more, but he'll wait for Hyunjin to say it because he doesn't feel like fishing today, not when he's still glum over the whole Felix thing.</p><p>It's been three days and Felix's not been showing up to campus or returning any of his calls. He's tired of wondering what Before Changbin would have done because the fact is—apparently, Before Changbin wouldn't have done something as stupid as except the guy he's fooling around with to have any actual feelings for him. (Part of him knows this isn't true—that Felix does have feelings for him, at least Before him, and that's probably most of the problem.)</p><p>"He's away at SNU," Hyunjin says, "getting a degree in Computer Science. Do you know the kind of money you can make in computers?"</p><p>Changbin says, "No, a lot?"</p><p>"I don't know, I was actually asking. Anyway, he's coming home this weekend and he always takes me out for dinner. Kind of like this horrible cheesy sibling love fest that our parents force on us, but he always lets me have some of his booze and anyway," he says, not even pausing for a breath (although he'll need one soon, judging by the way his eyes are bulging out of his head a little), "I told him about you. He's always been rather protective of me, and he's so glad we're friends. He mentioned that it'd be fun if you came along. He'd pay and all—or, well, he'd pay with the money my parents bribed him with but it's all the same."</p><p>Changbin smiles halfheartedly, "Yeah sure, I'll come."</p><p>Hyunjin exhales, "Oh good." It's like he can see him mentally checking off that point on his to-do list before he takes a deep breath and says, "Now tell me what's gotten up your butt. I'm equipped with a small array of psychological terms that I can use should they be necessary. You know, even if they're not necessary I may use them. Keeps my mind fresh and all."</p><p>Changbin laughs despite himself and says, "If I tell you, do you promise to keep it a secret?"</p><p>"It's flattering that you think I've got others to tell," he says, grinning so Changbin knows he's not actually hurt by the fact that he's his only friend.</p><p>He takes a breath, covers his eyes with his hands like a little kid and says, "Was there any indication Before that I was, um, gay?"</p><p>He doesn't know what he's expecting Hyunjin to do, but it's definitely not barrel him down with a hug. He sputters into his hair, says, "What?"</p><p>He pulls back, beaming, and says, "I don't know—I've always had this fantasy that someone comes out to me and they cry in my arms and later dedicate their autobiography to me."</p><p>Changbin blinks. "You're very—"</p><p>"Compassionate, I know. Anyway, about your thing, no, you didn't ever seem gay. But, then, I didn't know you very well. Have you asked Felix?"</p><p>Changbin winces, "That's…kind of…we…"</p><p>Hyunjin's eyes get comically wide and his hand slaps over his mouth. "Oh that is so rich," he gasps.</p><p>"Hyunjin! Don't you dare think of saying anything."</p><p>He shakes his head, "I wouldn't. I wouldn't, just—oh my gosh, he's such a Freudian goldmine."</p><p>Changbin waves his hand in the air like whatever, we're talking about me and says, "Anyway, I just, nothing is actually happening now. With us. But I sort of really want there to be."</p><p>"I have to say this and then I'll be all supportive-friend, but <em> gross </em>. Felix? Honestly? Sure he's kind of attractive but he's such a—"</p><p>"Does it matter? I said we're like, over, or, we never were or something, I don't know."</p><p>"Okay, okay. Um, well. Besides him have you, like, been with anyone?"</p><p>Changbin groans, "How would I know?"</p><p>"I don't mean Before. I keep telling you, Before doesn't matter. You're you, now."</p><p>"I'm not anybody now!" Changbin thunders, hurling the core of his apple down the hill like a baby. "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing."</p><p>"You're not supposed to be doing anything," Hyunjin says, "besides maybe lowering your voice. What do you want to be doing?"</p><p>"I don't know," Changbin says honestly.</p><p>"Well who does?" Hyunjin says, scooping his books to his chest and reaching down to offer Changbin a hand up. "Certainly not me, and my brain's not even boggled. At least not as much as yours." Hunjin winks at him and he can't help but smile in return.</p><p>"Where are we going?" he asks.</p><p>"First, World Geography—it starts in five minutes. But then, we're going on a soul journey."</p><p>"A what?"</p><p>"I don't know, it just sounded cool. We'll probably end up at the library or somewhere mundane like that." He tugs Changbin along beside him, and he feels better although he doesn't really know why. Then he says, "Just so we're clear—if you ever do write an autobiography, I expect to see my name in the acknowledgements. Gay or not."</p><p>Changbin rolls his eyes, but squeezes his hand like <em> you got it </em>.</p><p>***</p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>College Dropout?</em></p><p> </p><p>Hey,</p><p>So, I just wondered if you were ever planning on showing up to school again?</p><p>I meant what I said about us being friends, you know. We don't even have to talk about…things.</p><p>I miss you.</p><p> </p><p>-Changbin</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p>
  <strong>Subject:</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>…I refuse to drive by your house to see if you're alive because that's too stalkerish. So…are you alive?</p><p> </p><p>-Changbin</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin </p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>mdrnuk.</em></p><p> </p><p>Felixw. Listen. I think you should come back to school now because were friends. Right? We;re friends.</p><p>So stop being so dumb, oakky? I still want to fuck you but ill keep that ro myself.</p><p>Love,</p><p>Changbin</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Seo Changbin </p><p><strong>From:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>RE:mdrnuk</em></p><p> </p><p>Changbin, go to bed. Who is even getting you drunk? That's my job.</p><p>See you Monday,</p><p> </p><p>-Felix</p><p>***</p><p>The restaurant is some dive downtown and Changbin is choking on smoke the second he walks through the door. Hyunjin makes a squealing noise and dashes forward, darting through the tables that are placed to close to each other it's like everyone's sitting down to a meal together.</p><p>Changbin watches him hurl himself at a brunet in a corner booth, watches him laugh and squeeze Hyunjin to him. He hangs back, giving them their moment, shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot until Hyunjin turns starts motioning at him wildly with his hands like <em> get over here, you dumbass. </em></p><p>Hyunjin's brother stands up and shakes Changbin's hand firmly. "Hey, nice to finally meet Hyunjin's boy. I'm Minho."</p><p>"Oh," Hyunjin gushes, swatting Minho on the arm, "He's just my friend, I told you. Not that he didn't try."</p><p>"Try what?" Minho says, all big-brother suspicious.</p><p>Changbin swallows. Says, "Hyunjin, are you serious right now?"</p><p>Minho bursts into a laugh and Hyunjin smiles, "Anyway, you don't have to worry. Changbin is way over me. So completely over me. Big-brothers worldwide can breathe a sigh of relief, actually."</p><p>"You lying bastard," Changbin deadpans.</p><p>"I actually found that a bit confusing," Minho says, winking. Changbin feels himself flushing.</p><p>"Anyway," Hyunjin says, "everybody sit down. I've come up with an icebreaker for this evening."</p><p>"You what?" Changbin says, "There are only three of us."</p><p>"I'm just trying to facilitate group discussion, Changbin. It worked really well in Professor Gowon's class."</p><p>"Has Hyunjin told you he's in love with his English professor?" Changbin says.</p><p>"Many times, and how's that going, by the way?"</p><p>"You two are horrible," Hyunjin says, plunking his elbows on the table and propping his face on his fists. "But since you asked, it's not going well. And by that I mean, she mentioned her husband of fifteen years the other day in class. I almost had to excuse myself, I was so devastated, but I soldiered through."</p><p>"Sorry," Changbin says, trying to look sincere but failing when Minho makes a face at him. He ends up pressing his hand over his mouth to hide his smile.</p><p>"I'm getting the feeling neither of you are very sorry at all. But it's fine. Unrequited love is romantic and tortured and me."</p><p>"Oh, Hyunjin, you're not tortured, you're whimsical," Minho says, "And someday some girl in a tweed jacket is going to fall crazy in love with you." He turns to Changbin and says, "Big brother comment of support, check."</p><p>Hyunjin smiles, "Yeah, whatever, anyway—my icebreaker! I worked really hard to think of this. Okay, I didn't really. I googled "icebreaker," and this one seemed very popular."</p><p>"Among camp counselors and first grade teachers?" Changbin asks. Hyunjin glares at him. "Sorry, sorry, okay what is it?"</p><p>"If you could have one superpower—and it can't be the ability to collect superpowers, that's dumb—what would it be and why?"</p><p>"That's original," Minho says.</p><p>Hyunjin glares at him like <em> game on </em>. "It also can't be mind-reading, invisibility, time-travel, flight, or immortality. Oh! Or super-strength or smarts."</p><p>"I'm not sure there's anything left," Changbin says.</p><p>"That's what makes it original," Hyunjin says proudly. "And anyway, I already know what mine would be. I would be able to touch a book and absorb its contents in less than thirty seconds."</p><p>"Isn't that kind of like super-smarts?" Minho says.</p><p>"What would happen if you only had twenty-nine seconds?" Changbin says at the same time.</p><p>"I would skip the table of contents and dedication page. And no it's not—there are plenty of dumb people reading books every day."</p><p>"What would you do with that power?" Minho asks.</p><p>"Isn't it obvious? I'd finally be able to get through Anna Karenina." Hyunjin says, "You two are up."</p><p>"I've got one," Minho says. "I'd be able to figure out the ingredients of any substance just by looking at it."</p><p>"Oh!" Hyunjin says, "That's a clever one! You could work for all the kings."</p><p>"All the kings?" Changbin says.</p><p>"Hyunjin, I don't think they hire tasters anymore," Minho says. "He means to check for poison."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, "Valuable trait."</p><p>"What would you pick?" Minho asks. (Changbin both notices and refuses to notice that he has remarkable eyes as Hyunjin, and that they're…nice. In a different way.)</p><p>"Would it be pathetic if I said photographic memory?" He blushes, wants to rub the back of his neck embarrassedly, but holds off. Waits for the sad smiles from Minho and Hyunjin.</p><p>Instead, Minho takes a thoughtful sip of his drink and says, "As long as it was flawless, I'd say that was a good power. Only it can't be like those teenagers who say they have a photographic memory just because they have some vague idea of where they read something on a page, you know?"</p><p>"It'd be absolutely flawless," Changbin says. He looks at his hands pressed flat against the table, nail-beds white from pushing so hard. He bites his lower lip and tells himself for the millionth time that he will get his memory back.</p><p>"Actually," Hyunjin is saying, "We'd make a great team with those powers. We'd be able to process a huge breadth of information and store it forever—or at least for as long as Changbin's brain is functioning. This is great." He claps his hands, "See? If we'd never done this exercise, we'd have never known how compatible our superpowers are!"</p><p>"And that would have been the worst," Minho says, grinning.</p><p>"I know," Hyunjin breathes. "Hey—order me the chicken fingers, I have to use the bathroom."</p><p>"Is it pushing it if I ask if you're okay?" Minho asks after he's bopped off.</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, looking up.</p><p>"It's just—Hyunjin told me about the amnesia thing, and I know I don't know you at all, but I just wondered if you're okay. I mean, the whole superpower thing…"</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put on damper on anything."</p><p>"You didn't," Minho says, reaching out like he's going to put his hand on Changbin's, but stops short. (Changbin watches his hand, blinks, and gets what Hyunjin was talking about before—about the creepy-psychic show.)</p><p>"So you're gay?" he blurts, and then rears back, hand slapping over his mouth. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I don't usually—I mean, I must be hanging with Hyunjin too much, my filter is shot. Oh shit, I didn't mean to insult you or your brother. I really do like him. I mean, not like that. Oh god." He drops his face in his hands and groans.</p><p>He feels fingers prying his hands away from his face and Minho is smiling at him, eyes warm and laughing. "It's fine. I am gay."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, something clenching in his stomach like the feeling before the drop in a rollercoaster (not that he remembers riding one).</p><p>"Is that going to be a problem?" Minho asks, eyebrows raised. He lets Changbin's hands go.</p><p>"No!" Changbin says quickly, "Not at all. I'm actually—Uh, no. It's not a problem."</p><p>The waiter picks the perfect moment to show up so Changbin has an excuse to stop embarrassing himself.</p><p>Hyunjin skips back from the bathroom and Changbin is so grateful to have him back, he must look a little doe-eyed because he gives him a funny look and asks him if his health is alright. Minho spits some of his water out in a laugh.</p><p>Hyunjin looks between the two of them and gets an evil smile on his face that Changbin wants to protest, but also doesn't want to draw attention to. Minho seems to have the same thing in mind, because he hastily brings up something about operating systems that nobody in their right minds could actually want to talk about.</p><p>After dinner, they walk out to the parking lot. Changbin has to get home because he opens the shop early tomorrow morning. Hyunjin gives him a hug and hops in Minho's car, leaving the two of them awkwardly staring at each other.</p><p>Finally Minho smiles, "I wanted to thank you for being such a good friend to Hyunjin, by the way."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, blushing, "Yeah. He's great."</p><p>"He is," Minho says. "He also has good taste in friends." Changbin barks out an embarrassed laugh, blush tearing through him. "Really," Minho says, stepping closer, but still a comfortable distance away. "I mean it."</p><p>"I—well I can't say anything about his taste in brothers because he really didn't get a choice in that," Changbin says. He almost blanches when he realizes how overt his flirting is. God, how pathetic. Just because Minho is gay doesn't mean Changbin has to throw himself at him. Doesn't mean he's even interested. Oh, this is a disaster.</p><p>Minho laughs, "Ah, well I'll take it as a compliment anyway."</p><p>"It was nice to meet you," Changbin says, suddenly feeling too hot and flustered to drag this out any longer.</p><p>"Yeah, you to," Minho says. "Hey, Changbin, could I maybe—"</p><p>"See you around!" Changbin practically shouts at the same time, and then turns and jogs to his car. He realizes as he's getting in that Minho was probably going to ask for his number or something and Changbin acted like he was turning him down. He wonders if it'd be weird if he went back now. But what if that wasn't what Minho was going to say? And what if it was?</p><p>Changbin makes a big production of looking for something on the floorboards of the passenger seat while Minho drives out of the parking lot.</p><p>"Oh my god," he moans to himself, "I am so fucking dumb."</p><p>***</p><p>On Monday, Felix shows up just as Changbin is putting his keys in the lock of his car, piece of toast hanging from his mouth. "What are you doing?" Felix asks, "It's my turn to drive."</p><p>"Um," Changbin says, catching the toast when it falls out of his mouth. "Okay."</p><p>He gets in cautiously, like he's waiting for Felix to peel out of the driveway with Changbin caught halfway out of the car. "So," he says, "How are you?"</p><p>Felix turns to face him and Changbin's heart hammers in his chest, "Can we just forget last week happened?"</p><p>Changbin looks out the window for a second to regroup before looking back, "How much of last week?" He means, of course, the part where you threw me out of bed? and Felix knows it.</p><p>He winces, "I mean, we're friends right?"</p><p>Changbin knows from the way he says "friends" what he means. He sighs, says, "Sure. 'Course we are." Takes a bite of his toast to keep his lips from tightening into a frown.</p><p>"Good," Felix says, grinning (it sends a pang of hurt through Changbin. He takes another bite.). "So, did I miss anything good last week?"</p><p>"Not really," Changbin says, looking out the window and refusing to pout. It's just that he doesn't know how to look at Felix and not be halfway in love with him. (He wonders if Before Changbin had it just as bad.)</p><p>"Hmm," Felix is saying, "I actually had kind of a crazy week, myself."</p><p>"Oh yeah?" Changbin says, only half-listening.</p><p>"Well I worked a lot, and we got this new server—her name is Lia." Something hot roars through Changbin—he bites the inside of his cheek against the welling up in his eyes.</p><p>"Is she hot?" He snaps, hoping Felix will pick up on all the anger he's feeding into it.</p><p>Felix just laughs, "Hell yeah. But she's actually cool, too. Like, she has great taste in music and movies and stuff. You'd like her."</p><p>"I probably wouldn't," Changbin mutters.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Are you going to ask her out?"</p><p>Felix laughs (Changbin hopes it's as forced as it sounds), "Already two steps ahead of you, man. We've been out twice."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, voice dead, "That's cool."</p><p>"I really like her," Felix says, eyes wide and lips chewed-red and Changbin wants to kiss him so bad it makes him shake. He wants to throw the car in park and straddle him and kiss him until he's weak against the seat, pupils blown and panting. And he wants to say <em> you really like me. </em></p><p>But he just smiles and says, "Good on you. Seriously. That's awesome."</p><p>He avoids Felix for the rest of the day, actually hides out in the bathroom instead of going to his last class so Felix won't wait for him. He thinks Hyunjin has a pottery class in about an hour, so he loiters around the art wing to try and find him. Eventually he bustles out of a classroom, hands and wrists caked with clay. "Hyunjin!" Changbin calls, watches his face brighten immensely as he jogs over.</p><p>"What are you doing here?"</p><p>"I wanted to learn how to use the public transit system," he says. "I hear it's better for the environment."</p><p>"Now you sound like Minho," Hyunjin says. "What really happened?"</p><p>"Felix's seeing someone," Changbin says miserably.</p><p>Hyunjin exhales like he's been punched in the gut. He knows the feeling. "That absolute—"</p><p>"Don't," Changbin says quickly.</p><p>"Sorry," Hyunjin says. He links arms with him and smiles, "Not that this will make it any better, but my brother will be happy to hear you're not with anybody."</p><p>"He—what?"</p><p>"Oh please, you two were more obvious than a Thestral to a tragic war-orphan."</p><p>"I don't know what that means."</p><p>He rolls his eyes, "I'm not going to spell it out for you. I can give you his phone if you want. You don't strike me as a guy with enough balls to call, but you could text him. Faceless internet interaction is probably your best bet."</p><p>Changbin scoffs, but says, "Um. Yeah, okay, can I have it?"</p><p>Hyunjin grins and pats his arm, "Yeah. But we actually have to like, sprint now unless we want to wait for the next bus. Which doesn't come for another forty minutes."</p><p>They race each other out of the building.</p><p>Hyunjin gets off at the downtown stop because he wants to pick up some fruit from the market that smells like rotting flesh. "I learned about it in Anthropology today!" he says excitedly, "Anyway, if you get off in two stops, you'll be a block away from home. See you later!"</p><p>He listens, enjoying the crisp feeling of early December air against his skin on the walk home. He's got Minho's phone in his pocket and he's composing the most chill text ever in his head—one that will guarantee Minho sees him as cool and interesting and maybe, if he's lucky, hot.</p><p>But then Felix is sitting on his porch, and Changbin can't think of anything.</p><p>"Where the fuck," Felix says, stomping off the porch toward Changbin, "<em>were</em> you? I waited for two fucking hours before coming here!"</p><p>"I rode the bus with Hyunjin," Changbin says, like what's your deal, who cares?</p><p>"Jesus fuck, Changbin!" Felix seethes, "Do you even know—" he scrubs his hands over his eyes. "I couldn't find you. You were supposed to be there and you weren't. God damn it."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, shocked numb, "<em>Oh.</em>"</p><p>"Yeah, oh. I thought, Jesus. I thought it was like before, you piece of shit." He's choking on tears and Changbin suddenly can't not touch him, so he drags him to his chest, rubbing his knuckles up and down his spine, whispering, </p><p>"Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."</p><p>Felix's mouth is open and hot on Changbin's neck and his hands are clutching at Changbin's coat. "Come on," Changbin says, "Let's go inside."</p><p>He starts to gently push Felix away, but the other boy says, "No, wait. Wait." He rises and presses his mouth to Changbin's, wet and desperate and Changbin can't breathe.</p><p>He tries to slow the kiss down, to show Felix it's okay, he's okay. But then Felix stumbles back, wipes the back of his hand over his mouth, and glares at him. "Don't you ever do that again. If you say you're going to be somewhere, be there." And then he's marching to his car and driving away before Changbin can wrap his mind around what just happened.</p><p>Changbin goes inside and hangs up his coat, leaving Minho's phone in the pocket.</p><p>***</p><p>Minho comes home for Christmas break the day after Changbin finishes his finals. Changbin is so deep in confusion over Felix, he wouldn't even notice except Hyunjin shows up with a bottle of champagne, his brother in tow.</p><p>"Come on, then," he says, "Minho's gonna take us somewhere cool and we're going to celebrate our new ability to name all the countries of Africa."</p><p>"You mean Africa isn't a country?" Changbin says, grinning, very glad for the excuse to resurface from his angst for a few hours.</p><p>"Nope, and neither is Quebec, although it honestly should be," Hyunjin babbles. Behind him, Minho just shrugs like I love him, but he's insane.</p><p>"Hi, by the way," Minho says, blush stealing over his cheeks. Changbin knows the feeling.</p><p>"Hello—how'd the rest of your semester go?"</p><p>"Pretty well, yours?"</p><p>"Same."</p><p>"Guys," Hyunjin whines, "Are you done with the small talk? Can we go? I'd like to be drunk within the next hour."</p><p>"Hyunjin, do you need to tell us about any sort of alcohol addiction?" Minho says, ushering them to his car. Hyunjin sits in the back, leaving Changbin with no choice but to sit by Minho. He's not sure if he minds, or if it's exactly what he wanted.</p><p>"Haha," he says, "I just want to celebrate. It's been a really good semester."</p><p>Changbin turns around in his seat (shoulder brushing Minho's) and smiles at him. "You're right.," he says.</p><p>"Okay then," Minho says, "Well, if it's cool with you Changbin, I thought we could go back to my place. It's far enough away that you don't have to worry about anyone seeing your drunk-asses make fools of yourselves, and you can stay over if it gets too crazy."</p><p>Hyunjin claps his hands and bounces in his seat. Changbin wishes he'd have brought a toothbrush.</p><p>It's a bit of a drive to Minho's, but it's not uncomfortable. Hyunjin starts singing a song of all the African countries to the tune of the Hotel California, which is ridiculously funny to Changbin, who's already high on adrenaline at being around Minho.</p><p>He never ended up texting him, but he thinks about him a lot—between worrying about finals and worrying about Felix, that is. He decides he's not going to do either of those things tonight, but let himself get insanely drunk and loosen up.</p><p>Minho lives in an apartment just off campus. It's small, but Changbin likes it—likes the small touches of Minho that are all over it. The three separate recycling bins ("paper, plastic, and glass," Minho says, like duh.), the pictures of he and Hyunjin making silly faces, the vinyl's littering the floor by his desk. "Home sweet home," Minho says, "It's not much, but it'll do."</p><p>Hyunjin goes into the kitchen and helps himself to a beer, taking a long draw and wincing after the swallow. "Ugh," he says, "I don't like beer, I've just decided."</p><p>"There's some soju and wine coolers in there," Minho says, taking the beer from his hand and leaning back to take a swig from it. Changbin watches the column of his throat flex, and quickly grabs a beer for himself as distraction.</p><p>They work their way through a refrigerator full of booze, and okay, so that may be exaggerating, and maybe they're really drunk on being done with the semester, but either way, Hyunjin is standing on a table singing a song he claims is famous ("This is the quintessential singing-on-a-table song, Changbin, how have you not heard of La Vie Boheme?")</p><p>Minho is leaning out the window, watching other people stumble around drunk on the street. Sometimes he yells something down to someone he knows and Changbin keeps saying, "Shhh, shhh," to the both of them because he's trying to think.</p><p>He grabs a book off Minho's shelf—Oh The Places You'll Go (and what? Why does Minho even have this?)—and starts reading aloud just because he can. Because he wants to be loud, too. Also because what he really wants to do is haul Minho away from that window and on top of him, so he can kiss him quiet.</p><p>Hyunjin starts singing Part of That World and Minho's having a discussion with somebody on the sidewalk about a statistics final that was, apparently, fucking bogus. "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes," Changbin tells them both. (Hyunjin kicks off his shoes as he's singing the line, "Flippin' your fins you don't get too far. And then throws in, "Now my shoes are feetless!")</p><p>It goes on like this for quite sometime, until Minho insists that you can't read a children's book unless it's in bed, so they all troop into his room for Changbin's dramatic rendering of the Dr. Seuss classic.</p><p>He's starting to sober up about the time Hyunjin conks out on the floor by Minho's bed. He and Minho turn out the light and go to sit in his living room, each nursing warm beers.</p><p>He's still pleasantly buzzed when Minho puts his hand on Changbin's knee (it's soft with slender fingers, and when it flexes over Changbin's leg, Changbin wants to moan) and says, "Am I reading this wrong?"</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, setting his beer on the coffee table and running his fingertips through the empty space between Minho's fingers.</p><p>Minho chuckles softly, turns his hand palm up and draws Changbin's fingers onto his skin. Changbin sucks a breath through his teeth and traces Minho's lifeline. "It's just," Minho says quietly, voice reverberating through Changbin's shoulder where Minho's got his chest pressed against it. "I thought you'd get my number from Hyunjin or something. After dinner that time. But you didn't."</p><p>"I got it," Changbin says, pulling Minho's hand up to his mouth. He doesn't know what he's doing, but he feels so fucking breathless and he can't stop.</p><p>"But you never texted me," Minho says, shifting so he's pressed even closer to Changbin's side. Changbin flicks his tongue over the tip of Minho's pointer finger. Minho inhales sharply and breathes out near Changbin's ear.</p><p>"I meant to," he says, biting at the place he just licked.</p><p>Minho hisses, "Jesus." And then, "Why didn't you?"</p><p>"I had—" he pauses, rubs his cheek over the back of Minho's hand like a fucking cat—what is wrong with him? "There was someone else, sort of. But he's…he's nobody now." He scrapes his teeth along the swell of Minho's hand under his thumb, noses along his wrist and plants a kiss below his ring finger. "Oh my god, your hands are—"</p><p>Suddenly those hands are on his face and in his hair, and Minho's eyes are boring into Changbin's. "You're sure he's nobody now."</p><p>"Uh huh," Changbin says, eyes locked on Minho's lips. The guy has such a kissable mouth it's insane. Who has lips that pretty? Nobody Changbin's ever kissed. "Promise," he whispers.</p><p>Minho makes a sound like a whimper, but sexier somehow, and says, "Can I kiss you?"</p><p>Changbin feels his eyes flutter shut and he says the first thing that comes to mind, which is: "Why do you always ask me that?"</p><p>He's expecting Minho's lips on his, but what he gets is a startled, "What'd you say?"</p><p>"What?" Changbin says, furrowing his brow and licking his lips.</p><p>"You said, 'why do you always ask me that?'"</p><p>"So?"</p><p>"Do you ever remember me asking you before?" Minho says.</p><p>"What? No, I—I'm a little buzzed, okay. I don't know what I'm saying, just please. Minho. I've been thinking about kissing you all night, please."</p><p>Minho's face softens and he says, "Yeah, okay, sor—mmph."</p><p>When Changbin pulls back, Minho is smiling goofily and Changbin can tell he is, too, and he says, "D'you wanna go out with me sometime? On, like, a date?"</p><p>"Absolutely," Minho says, and kisses him again.</p><p>"Is it weird," Changbin says between kisses, "to be asking you now? I don't want you to think I'm weird."</p><p>"I don't think you're weird," Minho says, biting Changbin's lower lip and pulling it out away from his teeth and it's so sexy Changbin can't think.</p><p>"Are you sure? Is it too forward? I don't know how these things are supposed to—"</p><p>"Changbin," Minho says, his lips moving over Changbin's as he whispers. "Shut up now." Then his fingers sink into Changbin's hair and Changbin does. Shut up, that is.</p><p>***</p><p>Changbin wakes up with his head half off the couch and his arm numb under his body. Minho is sleeping on the floor and Hyunjin, he supposes, is right where they left him. He groans as his arm starts to wake up, pins-and-needles feeling nearly unbearable.</p><p>Minho gasps awake and sits straight up, "What's—" he starts to say, and then he slumps back down, grumbles, "Oh. Go back to sleep."</p><p>"I can't," Changbin says, "My head hurts. Where's your aspirin?"</p><p>"Um, just, let me think for a minute. Fuck, I think I'm still drunk."</p><p>Changbin stumbles up to go in search of it himself, but Minho's hand shoots out and grabs his ankle. Changbin trips to the floor, hissing as his knees hit the hardwood. "Ow," he moans, flopping like a dead-weight onto his stomach, "What'd'ya do that for?"</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry," Minho whines, crawling so he's over Changbin's body and nuzzling into the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to."</p><p>Changbin sighs, and wriggles until he's on his back, looking up at Minho. "S'fine," he says, offering a brave smile.</p><p>"I want to ask if I can kiss you, but that seemed to get a negative response last night. But feel rude just doing it. So can I?"</p><p>"You realize you just asked again, right?" Changbin says, craning his neck to put his mouth against Minho's. Minho makes a hungry noise in this throat and licks into Changbin's mouth. He tastes like beer and stale breath and it's horrible, really, but Changbin clambers up on his elbows to get a better angle. The stubble on Minho's face makes Changbin's lips raw and he's achy everywhere from a hangover but he can't get enough.</p><p>"Wow," he says, pulling back to lay on the floor. The room is spinning a little from his headache. "If kissing you drunk and then hung over is an accurate representation of your abilities, I can't wait to make out with you sober."</p><p>A weird expression flits over Minho's face, like he's guilty or something, but it's gone as quick as it came and he's kissing Changbin's forehead and saying, "Aspirin is absolutely necessary at this point or I would kiss you again."</p><p>"Without asking first?"</p><p>"You bet," Minho says. He rolls off Changbin and crawls toward the kitchen, which Changbin thinks is stupidly cute but can't bear to laugh for how much it would hurt his head. He concentrates on laying very still and not puking until Minho brings him a glass of water and three aspirin. "Come on," he says, "Let's get you into bed. Pillows will do wonders for your head."</p><p>"That rhymed," Changbin says, pressing the glass of water to his forehead in hopes it will dull some of the pain.</p><p>"I'm a secret free-verse master," Minho says. "Up you go." He slides his hands under Changbin's armpits and hoists him up. Changbin grunts and flops about, intent on being incredibly useless, apparently. Minho rolls his eyes at him and pushes him towards the bedroom.</p><p>"I'm starting to think you're not taking my pain seriously," Changbin says, leaning heavily against the taller boy.</p><p>"You're not the only one with a hangover," Minho says.</p><p>Changbin stands up immediately. "Sorry," He says.</p><p>Minho tugs him back to lean against him, "Hey, hey, it's fine. I like you laying all over me." Changbin shudders—more because he doesn't feel good than anything, but also a little bit because a sudden image of Minho writhing under him blooms in his mind. "Oh," Minho says, "I will definitely exploit that when we're both sober."</p><p>"Exploit what?"</p><p>Minho presses his mouth to Changbin's ear and murmurs, "You could, you know. Be on top of me. Your hair falling in your eyes and your arms shaking from holding yourself still for so long. You'd be naked, probably, unless we only had the patience to get our pants off. I'd be moaning for you to move. Just move."</p><p>Jesus fuck.</p><p>It should be cheesy and gross because they're hung over and it's—it's dirty talk. Which is, weird, right? But Changbin is practically panting—he is panting. He knows his eyes must be as wide as saucers where they're glued to Minho's mouth and he wants to throw him against a flat surface and tear at it with his teeth. He watches as it curves into a small smile.</p><p>"Shit," Minho says, "And we haven't even been on a date, yet."</p><p>"I don't care," Changbin says. "I don't care," again, for good measure.</p><p>"Yeah well," Minho says, smile turning shy, "I care. I want to take you out."</p><p>Changbin sighs, like it's the biggest burden in the world, rolls his eyes and says, "Fine."</p><p>Minho grins and tips Changbin gently into bed, laying down beside him. They don't curl around each other or anything—Changbin's stomach hurts too much for that. But a few of their fingers get tangled together. Purely by accident, of course.</p><p>The next time Changbin wakes up, Hyunjin is looming over him looking like he got hit by a truck. "Scoot over," he says, "I slept on the fucking floor. Give me some space."</p><p>"Hyunjin?" Minho mumbles, "What—oh god, I forgot you were here."</p><p>"Please tell me you didn't fuck while I was on the fucking floor," he says, pushing Changbin over and tumbling into bed. Changbin wonders if he always cusses this much when he's sick.</p><p>"We didn't," Changbin assures him when he practically growls at their silence. He's snoring before he can finish.</p><p>"This is extremely awkward for me," Minho whispers.</p><p>"I can't say it's my favorite thing either," Changbin says. "I'm actually feeling a little better if…"</p><p>"Yeah, let's go watch TV or something. You up for breakfast?"</p><p>"God yes, I'm starving."</p><p>"Right, well, I can offer you dry cereal or questionably-old pizza."</p><p>"Is it some weird granola-type cereal?" Changbin asks, picturing a box with a koala bear on it—the kind that gives money to the rainforest or something.</p><p>"Nope. Fruity Pebbles." Minho says. Changbin opens his mouth, but Minho cuts him off with, "If you make a gay joke right now, I will seriously reconsider kissing you ever again."</p><p>Changbin snaps his mouth shut, grins, and says, "Noted."</p><p>***</p><p><strong>To:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>Celebrate?</em></p><p> </p><p>Hey, Changbin,</p><p>I came by your place last night for our annual finals-are-over drinking binge, but your grandpa said you were with Hyunjin. I guess I should have talked to you about it beforehand. Anyway, are you still up for celebrating? I thought you and I and Lia could all go out or something. I guess you could bring Hyunjin.</p><p>Let me know,</p><p> </p><p>-Felix</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> <em>RE: Celebrate?</em></p><p> </p><p>Yeah, sorry. Didn't know we usually did that.</p><p>Um, look, not that I don't want to meet Lia, but…I don't want to meet Lia.</p><p>Sorry if that makes me a dick,</p><p> </p><p>Changbin</p><p> </p><p><strong>To:</strong> Seo Changbin</p><p><strong>From:</strong> Lee Felix</p><p><strong>Subject:</strong> It does.</p><p> </p><p>Fine.</p><p>***</p><p>They plan to go to the independent movie theatre for their first date. Changbin calls Hyunjin on his way there, asks him if his button-down and jeans is an okay outfit for something like this. Hyunjin just laughs. Says, "Minho would think you looked good in cut-offs and a wife-beater. It's a bit alarming how much he likes you."</p><p>"Gee, thanks," Changbin mutters.</p><p>"Oh you know what I mean. Anyway, listen, I was going to draw up a contract or something, but I've been busy making Christmas crafts—"</p><p>"You're Buddhist."</p><p>"I'm Korean. I still celebrate Christmas, Changbin. And more importantly I celebrate crafting. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that no matter happens between you and my brother, you are morally obligated not to let it affect your relationship with me. AKA, if he's a douchebag to you, you can't cut me out of your life."</p><p>"Does he often act like a douche bag?"</p><p>"Hardly ever, but the point is, I'm allowing you to date my brother on the condition that you're still my friend. Oh, and on the condition that I absolutely do not want to hear anything about your sexual endeavors. As far as I'm concerned, the only physical thing you two do together is shake hands."</p><p>"Got it," Changbin says. "And of course we'll be friends no matter what."</p><p>"Okay, so I've got you on record with that, right?"</p><p>"Right." He says, "Now, do you have any juicy insider information I should know before embarking on this first date?"</p><p>"Oh!" Hyunjin says, "I'm glad you asked. Whatever you do, don't talk to him during the movie. It's so annoying, but he really hates when people talk during movies. I don't know why. I've never met anyone else like that."</p><p>Changbin laughs, "I can see where that'd be hard for you to accept. Thanks for the tip."</p><p>"That one's on the house. Good luck!" he says. "Alright, well I've got to go, my hot glue gun is all warmed up now." With that, he hangs up.</p><p>Changbin shakes his head and tosses his phone on the seat next to him. He's nervous, of course. He's never been on a date before (at least that he can remember), and he's not entirely sure what the protocol is. Although he suspects that even if he had the memory of a normal person, this situation would be a bit nerve wracking. He feels like he's going about things backwards, first making out with a guy and basically begging him to have sex with you while his little brother is passed out drunk on the floor and then start dating. But at least he knows for sure there's chemistry there.</p><p>It's been a few days since he last saw Minho, but they've been texting non-stop it seems like. The first Changbin sent right after Minho dropped he and Hyunjin back off at home, apologizing for acting like an idiot while intoxicated.</p><p>Minho had responded with a series of texts:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i think being intoxicated and acting like an idiot may be in a kind of cause and effect relationship and you weren't even an idiot, really </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it's endearing that you are apologizing though </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but is it just a ploy to get me to find you adorable? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> because i already did lmao </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and i don't mean that in a demeaning way </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i like adorable things &lt;3 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i.e. youtube videos of cats and dolphins. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but!!! i also liked the parts of the night when you were decidedly less adorable </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and by that i mean the parts when your tongue was in my mouth </em>
</p><p>
  <em> in fact… those may have been my fav parts of the evening </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Changbin may or may not have read them until his eyes wanted to bleed. Especially the last two things.</p><p>Even now, his heart starts hammering in his chest thinking about it. He takes the exit into town, shoots Minho a text that he's almost there, and tries to will his hands to stop sweating. It's just a date. Not a big deal. Not at all. (He feels like he might throw up.)</p><p>Minho's waiting for him in the parking lot outside his building when Changbin pulls up. "Wanna walk there?" Minho asks, leaning down and putting his arms on the side of Changbin's car.</p><p>In the last few days Changbin somehow forgot how attractive Minho is. It makes his mouth dry. "Sure," he says.</p><p>He gets out of the car, but Minho doesn't back up much to give him room and it's cold outside, sure, but he's sweating. "Hi," he says, grinning when he catches Minho's eyes on his mouth.</p><p>"You look nice," Minho says.</p><p>Changbin winces. "Yeah, I didn't really know what to wear. I've never," he sighs embarrassedly, "I can't recall ever having been on a first date."</p><p>Minho laughs, not unkindly, and says, "You're doing an okay job so far. They never seem to get any easier, so you're not really at a disadvantage."</p><p>"Can we just—how about we just not be nervous. Is that, I mean, is that a thing we can do?" Changbin says.</p><p>When Minho laughs this time, it's loud and bright, like he's surprised in a good way. "Yeah," he says, "let's do that."</p><p>Changbin is very aware that just saying so doesn't make it true, but he does feel marginally better about the whole situation. "Should we get going?" he says.</p><p>"Yeah," Minho says, "Hold on just one—" he cuts himself off by kissing Changbin slowly, like he's trying to draw something out of him. "Second," he murmurs, pulling back.</p><p>Changbin swallows, says, "Well, now that that's taken care of, shall we?"</p><p>Minho tips his head back and to the right, says, "This way."</p><p>Their walk takes them through the square downtown, and Minho tells him all about the cool places there. "Are you still thinking of coming to SNU next fall?"</p><p>"I haven't really thought about it too much. Probably. I mean," Changbin furrows his brow, "I guess that's what I was planning Before."</p><p>"Is there somewhere else you'd rather go? I mean, I love it here and I think you would, too. But you don't always have to do stuff just because you were going to Before."</p><p>"I know," Changbin says (but he doesn't really—he's been letting his Before plans pretty much guide him through this thing so far). "But no, there's really nowhere else I'm dying to go."</p><p>"What do you want to do?"</p><p>Changbin laughs, "I don't really know that, either. Wanna make a bid for Computer Science?"</p><p>"Pssh," Minho says, "Not at all. I just do it because I'm good at it, but it's boring as fuck. You should do something exciting."</p><p>"Like what?"</p><p>"Taxidermy," Minho says quickly.</p><p>Changbin sputters out a laugh. "Yeah, okay."</p><p>"You're right," Minho says, "That would be disgusting. Also, animals have rights blah blah environmental-spiel blah."</p><p>"What about puppet making? Sort of the same concept but without the dead things." Changbin says.</p><p>"I don't think SNU has a program for that."</p><p>"And they do for taxidermy?"</p><p>Minho laughs, "Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised."</p><p>"If you could go back and pick something that wasn't Computer Science, what would it be?" Changbin says.</p><p>"Tough one," Minho says, "I guess, probably Global Studies. Something where I could learn about all different kinds of people."</p><p>"Ah, a humanitarian," Changbin says, smirking.</p><p>Minho rolls his eyes. "Fine," he says, "What's your dream job then, Binnie?"</p><p>Changbin blushes at the nickname, and says, "I don't know. I'm pretty good at math. I wouldn't mind teaching that."</p><p>Minho smiles, "I know for a fact that SNU has a math program."</p><p>"It's settled then," Changbin says, laughing.</p><p>They're at the theatre then, and Minho pays for the tickets, waving Changbin's money away. "I'm the one who asked you," Changbin says, frowning slightly.</p><p>"You drove all the way here," Minho says, "It's the least I can do."</p><p>The movie starts almost immediately after they sit down, and Changbin's more than a little disappointed because now he can't talk to Minho for at least an hour and a half. He sighs, settling in his seat and trying to pay attention to the previews. But it's hard because Minho's arm is so warm where it's pressed against Changbin's and it's so tempting to just turn and stare at the side of Minho's face—the plushness of his lips and the line of his nose. He keeps his head steadfastly forward, though. He thinks he probably deserves some kind of award for it, too.</p><p>About halfway into the movie, Changbin is very aware of the fact that they're the only ones in the theatre, and that Minho keeps making these little gasps any time something surprising happens. Still, he keeps quiet and watches the damn movie. Even when Minho's hand tangles in his and he starts running his thumb over the inside of Changbin's wrist. And who knew his wrist was such a sensitive area? He breathes out a shaky breath. Minho drags his thumbnail gently over the Changbin's skin and Changbin goes stiff in his seat. Does Minho even know what he's doing to him?</p><p>The maddening thumb-over-wrist routine keeps up for some time. Or maybe it's only a few minutes, Changbin doesn't know. But then Minho whispers, "Changbin." And Changbin turns his head (his neck aches from not moving it for so long), and Minho's hand slides along his jaw and they're kissing.</p><p>Changbin sighs into Minho's mouth, hungry sound catching in his throat.</p><p>Minho's tongue is hot and slick along Changbin's bottom lip, and his fingers are tugging in Changbin's hair like oh god, and he's mumbling, "Sorry."</p><p>"What are you sorry for?" Changbin asks, only pulling away long enough to form the question before diving back in.</p><p>"You seemed really into the movie," Minho explains. Changbin scoffs and throws a leg over Minho's lap so he's straddling him. "Fuck," Minho hisses. "Okay, I guess I was wrong."</p><p>Changbin doesn't know what's gotten into him. His knees are stinging where they're crammed between the armrests of Minho's seat but he could give two fucks. He and Minho just keep kissing and kissing until Changbin's lips are buzzing and awkward for everything but that. When he pulls back to get a breath, Minho's looking at him in awe, and it makes Changbin blush and say, "What?"</p><p>"Nothing," Minho says, smiling, "I just like you."</p><p>Changbin exhales quickly. He's not used to this openness thing. With Felix, it was always so dark and dangerous, which was fun to a certain extent, but always left him feeling a little dirty and used afterwards. But this, this is upfront and nerve wracking and nice. "I like you, too," he says, softly.</p><p>Minho's fingers stroke up and down Changbin's spine and soon, Changbin's melting into it, breath slowing but getting louder, wetter, needier. And then Minho's hand slides under Changbin's shirt and touches skin and Changbin arches into it, panting. He's hard in his jeans and so overwhelmed he's got tunnel vision. He presses his forehead against Minho's and murmurs shakily, "Oh my god."</p><p>"You're so responsive," Minho says, nails dragging down Changbin's back this time.</p><p>Changbin fights back a cry, bites down hard on his lip to keep it contained before saying, "And you're so mean."</p><p>Minho just chuckles, breathlessly, and palms the small of Changbin's back. "Sorry," he says.</p><p>Changbin gulps in breaths, trying to will away his erection, but not entirely succeeding. Eventually he has to clamber off Minho's lap and back into his own seat. The other boy laughs knowingly, but shifts in his own seat uncomfortably, which Changbin doesn't miss.</p><p>When the movie is finally, finally over, they hurry out of the theatre. Changbin checks the time and, "Fuck!" he says, "It's later than I thought. I have to open the store tomorrow. Shit."</p><p>"It's alright," Minho says, looking slightly pained, "We should wait anyway."</p><p>"Says you," Changbin shoots back with a glare. "You got me all worked up in there."</p><p>Minho snorts, "Oh, right, and that was all my fault, Mr. I Will Sit On Your Lap Now, Thanks."</p><p>Changbin blushes. "Well," he says. Like that's all that needs to be said.</p><p>Minho rubs a hand over his face and peeks out at Changbin through his fingers. "Alright," he says finally, "I guess we should get you back to your car."</p><p>Changbin wants to whine and pitch a fit, feels like his dick is going to kill him in his sleep if he doesn't follow through with this Minho thing right this minute. But he really does need to get back. "Okay," he says.</p><p>At least Minho's in the same boat.</p><p>When he gets home, there's a couple of notifs from Minho blinking on his screen.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> right </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i'm not entirely sure if it's appropriate but i'm going to say it anyway because jesus fuck changbin </em>
</p><p>
  <em> text me back right when you get this ok  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> tell me you're home  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> tell me you're touching yourself </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Changbin sucks in a breath and gets up to lock his door. He types back:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i'm home </em>
</p><p>
  <em> touching myself </em>
</p><p>
  <em> you'd better be too </em>
</p><p>***</p><p>On Christmas Eve, Changbin is rummaging around for something to eat when his grandpa comes in and says, "Where's Felix?"</p><p>"Huh?" Changbin says, slapping a piece of turkey on the heel of bread from the loaf on top of the fridge.</p><p>"I figured he'd be here, is all. You two always spend Christmas Eve together."</p><p>Changbin takes a bite of his sandwich, chews it thoughtfully. "Grandpa, what do you think of Felix?"</p><p>His grandpa gives him a strange look. "I don't really think anything about him. I just know he's been there for you through a lot. That's enough for me."</p><p>Changbin immediately feels like an asshole. "Yeah. Maybe I'll give him a call. He might be spending time with his new girlfriend, though."</p><p>"Oh, he's got a girlfriend now?" His grandpa says, "Well good for him. She's welcome to come too."</p><p>"Right," Changbin says, "Because that wouldn't be awkward at all."</p><p>"Well, invite Hyunjin. That'll take some of the pressure off."</p><p>Changbin says carefully, "I don't know."</p><p>His grandpa just shrugs, "You can invite Minho, if you'd rather. It's your house just as much as mine."</p><p>Changbin gapes at him. "Why would I do that?"</p><p>His grandpa looks at him over the rims of his glasses like I was not born yesterday. Says, "Changbin, the way you look at that boy doesn't leave much to the imagination."</p><p>"Um," Changbin says, flushing hotly, "And you're okay with that?"</p><p>His grandpa shrugs. "It's not exactly what I wanted for you, but that doesn't have anything to do with you. It's hard for an old man to let go his prejudices."</p><p>"Oh," Changbin says, shuffling his feet.</p><p>"What I'm trying to say is, I never want your life to be harder than it has to be. But I guess you haven't really had a walk in the park to begin with."</p><p>"No," Changbin agrees. "Anyway, I know you don't like talking about this stuff. So, thanks."</p><p>His grandpa just grunts in response and Changbin grins, "Well," he says, "I'm going to go invite the others over. Thanks."</p><p>He calls Minho first, still shaking a little from the conversation with his grandpa. He can't stop smiling. "Hey," he says, breathless and happy.</p><p>"Hi, there, neighbor," Minho says.</p><p>"So, two things," Changbin says, "One, you and Hyunjin wanna come over for a while?"</p><p>"Yes," Minho says immediately, and Changbin laughs.</p><p>"And two, my grandpa knows about us. Apparently I've been oogling you too openly or something, but he knows and he's mostly okay with it."</p><p>"That's great, Changbin! It'll be a little awkward around him for me now, I won't lie, but seriously, that's so great for you!"</p><p>"I know," Changbin says, "I guess I didn't realize how guilty I was keeping it from him. But it's—Minho." He wants to say, <em> I am so proud to be with you </em> , but that's so stupid. He wants to say, <em> I really care about you </em>, but that's even worse. So he says, "Just get over here already."</p><p>Minho laughs and hangs up the phone without saying goodbye.</p><p>Changbin takes a deep breath, gearing himself up for a conversation with Felix, who he hasn't talked to in person since school let out.</p><p><em>"Changbin?"</em> Felix says, picking up on the first ring.</p><p>"So," Changbin says, clearing his throat awkwardly. "My grandpa informed me that you forgot to mention our Christmas Eve tradition." He hears Felix take a deep breath. Something in him clenches tight. "So I was just calling to remind you. In case you'd forgotten."</p><p><em>"Yeah,"</em> Felix says, <em>"Um."</em></p><p>"You can bring Lia if you want," Changbin says.</p><p><em>"Changbin,"</em> Felix says, voice pitched low like he's trying to keep their conversation private from someone. "<em>I'm not—I was never actually with Lia. We just went on a few dates. I don't—just. It doesn't matter. Do…I mean, I used to stay over. On Christmas Eve. Is that…I mean."</em></p><p>Just as Changbin is working himself into a panic, Minho taps on his window and Hyunjin starts miming something frantically. "Felix," he says, "Hold on I—just hold on a second."</p><p>He pries open the window, takes a quick kiss from Minho, and says, "Yes, Hyunjin?"</p><p>"'It's freezing out here, open the window!' is what I was trying to say, but, it's kind of pointless now. Get your scrawny butt inside, Minho, before my eyeballs start freezing. That's a legitimate fear, you know. I saw it on TV once."</p><p>Minho looks a little affronted as he clambers in. "Do I have a scrawny butt?"</p><p>Changbin laughs and says, "Kind of. But I like it."</p><p>"Oh gross," Hyunjin says, toppling over himself into the room, "this is getting dangerously close to a sex-related conversation and I know you two both remember the thing where you promised not to do that in front of me."</p><p>"Relax," Minho says. Then, points at the phone, "Did we interrupt something?"</p><p>"Oh god!" Changbin says, "Felix? I'm sorry. Anyway, um, you're welcome to stay over, I guess, if that's what we normally do." He winces at Minho's face, which makes him look both astonished and like a kicked puppy. Hyunjin's face goes spectacularly red like he is holding a shout in his mouth.</p><p><em>"Are there…who's there with you now?"</em> Felix says.</p><p>"Hyunjin," Changbin says, "And his brother." Minho's face goes blank and he starts to go back out the window. "Wait!" Changbin says to him. "Seriously just—"</p><p>
  <em> "Who are you talking to?" </em>
</p><p>"My—" Changbin says, "I'm—Hyunjin's brother. He's, we're—"</p><p>Hyunjin gives him a look that says 'you better hurry up and fix this, you absolute dickface'.</p><p>"Felix, I want you to come over. Hyunjin is here and the guy I'm seeing—his brother, Minho, is here too. I want you to meet him." He's breathing heavily, face so hot he doesn't even want to know what color it is at this point.</p><p>Minho pauses, keeps his back to Changbin, but at least brings his leg back inside. Changbin sighs.</p><p><em>"I don't think—"</em> Felix starts to say.</p><p>"Felix, shut up. You're my best friend," (Hyunjin shoots him a obscure glare at this), "You always come over on Christmas Eve. So come over. I want you to be here."</p><p>He can hear Felix breathing heavily on the other end, doesn't know if it's good or bad, and Minho still won't look at him. <em>"No,"</em> Felix says, <em>"I don't think I will."</em></p><p>"But," Changbin says, "Why?"</p><p>Felix scoffs, <em>"For plenty of reasons, Changbin. Seriously? Fuck you. Your best friend? Do you know what we did last year on Christmas Eve?"</em></p><p>"No," Changbin says shakily, curling in on himself a little. Hyunjin's face goes concerned and he takes a step toward him.</p><p>
  <em> "I jerked you off so many times you were raw. You told me you loved me. But you don't remember that, do you? Of course you don't." </em>
</p><p>"Felix, that's not fair. You—"</p><p><em>"Oh, you want to tell me about unfair? I lost my best friend. What's worse is, all I get now is you, you fucking asshole. Fuck that."</em> Felix hangs up.</p><p>Changbin sits numb for a second, says, "So, that didn't go well."</p><p>Hyunjin opens his mouth and then closes it. His eyes go innocently wide when he says, "I forgot a thing! At my house. A thing that's really important and Christmas-Eve-y. So. I'll be back in like, ten minutes or something." He bumps Minho with his hip to get him out of the way, whispers something to him, and then hops out of Changbin's window.</p><p>"Minho," Changbin says, "I'm sorry. Honestly it wasn't—I just didn't know what to call us. We've only been on one date and—"</p><p>Minho walks towards him, cups Changbin's face in his hands and leans down so he's eye-level. Says, "That guy is a fucking waste of space. You are perfect."</p><p>"I'm not—" Changbin says, "You could hear him?"</p><p>"You've got the volume on that thing all the way up," Minho says a little guiltily, pointing at Changbin's cellphone.</p><p>"He's just…"</p><p>"I can guess what he is," Minho says. "But that's not an excuse for the things he said, okay?"</p><p>Changbin licks his lips, looks down. Minho sighs, presses his mouth to Changbin's forehead and leaves it there, just holding him. "I'm not perfect," Changbin mutters, pressing his nose up under Minho's chin.</p><p>"No," Minho agrees, "but you're not those things he said. You're not."</p><p>"What if I was really different Before?" Changbin says miserably, "I just want to be like I was Before."</p><p>"Do you really?" Minho says, "Fooling around with your closeted best friend, being a dick to my little brother—which, to be clear, I would have kicked your ass for if I'd have known—hiding from your grandpa. You wanna be that guy?"</p><p>"You're only saying the bad things." Changbin says, burrowing in closer, clenching his hands in Minho's shirt.</p><p>"Alright, so maybe, unbeknownst to us all, Before Changbin was a symphony writing prodigy or something. Or maybe you were funding a kid in the Dominican Republic and now the kid is without presents this Christmas." Minho says, "But probably, none of those things are true."</p><p>Changbin bristles, "I don't strike you as a musically-gifted philanthropist?"</p><p>Minho laughs, "Man, I can't say anything that meets your approval tonight."</p><p>Changbin pulls back so he can look at Minho. Says, "I'm sorry. I'm being difficult."</p><p>Minho smiles and kisses him lightly on the mouth. "What else is new?" Changbin rolls his eyes.</p><p>"How much time before Hyunjin gets back?" Changbin says, still feeling wound up and in need of…stress relief.</p><p>Minho looks apologetic. He leans in so his mouth is warm against Changbin's ear. "As much as I'd love to do what I hope you're suggesting, Hyunjin never actually left. He told me he'd be waiting outside for us to talk and we'd better not do anything gross while he was freezing his ass off."</p><p>Changbin laughs. Says loudly, "Minho, oh my god, touch me please." (he shivers when Minho murmurs in his ear, "I wish you were serious right now.")</p><p>"I'm back!" Hyunjin practically screams, hoisting himself up on the windowsill. "I'm back! You sickos seriously cannot keep it in your pants for ten stinking minutes?"</p><p>"Aw, Hyunjin," Changbin says, "Where's your Christmas spirit?"</p><p>"I'm wearing a sweater with a reindeer on it, Changbin. There is no possible way for me to be more spirited."</p><p>"Touché," Changbin says.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Part Three is going to be the last one (ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!!!) so, I see you then!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I feel like my growing wish to write  amnesia!au is just an excuse to write Changlix porn, an out-of-pocket Hyunjin and sad little cliches. Yup, so many cliches happening here I lost count. (But Not Really Sorry, No) Anyways, this gonna be a two (three?) part story because I have written an obscene amount of words for something that was supposed to be a oneshot, yet my projected word length has increased again, to almost 25k now........... *clunches fist*</p></blockquote></div></div>
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